When the clock strikes twelve!

Too Many Goodbyes ...

2006-07-02T14:28:00.000+08:00

Yes, it has certainly been a long time since my last post but then nothing short of excitement that has kept me very busy.

JIMI has decided to leave, yet again. I told him that this would be the last time I would help him pack. I can't seem to take much more of this. Yes, the new beginning is good for him, careerwise. Once again, he has subtly asked that I follow him, this time to China but this has left me too confused for the moment.

Although half of me is saying that it is crazy as hell, the other half of me keeps saying I have nothing to lose. I told ACH, but even she freaked ... so ... that's got me thinking for awhile. Am I that desperate to get away from things or am I just trying to prove a point that healthwise ... this is something I can do?

Where AS is concerned, TP has confirmed his investment, so things should finally be picking up and we should be heading for smooth sailing waters very soon.

My commitment to family has been seriously questioned in the past weeks, today even more so by ACH and while I know they each have a point to make ... I think my constant running away has become too apparent. Sigh. It's really funny isn't it.

We run from the obvious to get ourselves tangled in the clueless ...

On another note, somewhere very nearby, ZM has had to say goodbye to her seven year marriage as well. She caught her husband in the midst of an affair with his ex-girlfriend. So, it most definitely looks like a divorce is in the picture.

Lastly, someone has been in my life for the past two months. I finally worked up the nerve to tell ACH about it. But she didn't take it too well. Well, I can't blame her. He comes from somewhere where Brazil lost their football dreams, he is well into his thirties and divorced with a nine year old daughter.

Does he make me happy? Yes.

Does he know about my condition? Yes.

Does he understand my condition? Yes. We spent seven hours together looking it up on google.my AND google.de

What makes it more important, is that we are both at the stage of our lives where we have had enough where relationships are concerned. So, I'm not hoping for anything.

He's gone back for a two week holiday, so maybe it's a closed chapter for now and maybe it's not.

Meanwhile, it's great knowing that someone calls "just to hear your voice", opens doors for you, drives for two hours just to see you for 20 minutes, who in less than two months of knowing you thinks you're ok enough to meet his boss and colleagues (by the way, I went with out with KK for four years and it took him 3 years to introduce his best friend to me), who takes time in explaining his work and listening to yours, who takes even more time in fixing your notebook, who night after night walks you to your car just to make sure you're safe, who sends you a good morning sms, never failing to ask you at the end of the day to ask you how your day was, and the best of all, after telling him everything your condition entails (treatment, medication etc) who says, "So? Everybody has their own problems."

Family, Friends, Love and Other Natural Disasters

2006-04-24T01:45:00.000+08:00

Once again, I've had a hectic weekend. New friendships have been made stronger but as I discovered for some people and myself, relationships have drifted and a marriage almost at the end of its road.

Where family is concerned, the extent of which PEARL and I have drifted apart seems to be unfixable. Conversations are short and usually end with "it's your life, do what you want." There seem to be so few smiles and so few hugs, I don't know anymore how to fix the distance.

Everytime I broach the topic that AS is doing better and we may need to travel more, she hints that I have abandoned her. What bothers me is that PTC or not, the end result would have been the same as it is now. This is what I wanted. Be it through journalism or AS, I never saw myself sticking at home, following routine. For something that I've been talking about since I was 13, I honestly don't see how these issues are constantly being raised.

Somewhere within me, I'm tired of telling her how I feel. When I do, she says I blame her. When I don't, she says I'm driving her away. WIll she only be happy when I finally say, "Ok, I'll be the person that you want to me to be."? Why is acceptance so difficult ...

This is the same person who flew thousands of miles at 21, from home to marry the man she loved. I'm 26. I'm only trying to be who I think I can be, she's had her chances of making decisions that have involved distance and moving away from home ... would it be so wrong to give me even a little of it?

Where other people in my life are concerned ...

MS - I think she's dirven me around so much in the past week from hospital to home to giving me a very strong shoulder to cry on ... hehehe ... she's the gem that she always is.

DQ - Well now, what I heard last is that he is starting a new chapter. Dumped for being overly nice, his current bookshelf consists of "Who is holding your strings?" and "Emotional Unavailability" - which he loaned me by the way..

And somewhere else, not quite so nearby, a friend has said that she finally thinks her marriage is over. Considering that I know the husband longer than her and I didn't even know she existed till much later when his pick up lines on me did not work ... this is yet another sticky situation I've gotten myself into ... sigh ...

Wonderful Somethings

2006-04-24T01:25:00.000+08:00

It's been an exhausting week but nothing short of some really great moments.

I was back in KL on Sunday, 16 April and spent Monday discovering that as weak as I think I am, I still have some strength in me.

JIMI and I visited a media house only for him to realise that hiring AS for S5 was one of the best things that he could have done. I was given a free hand at taking him around, people were hugging me all around and I thought ... hmmmm ... not bad. Kinda nice the feeling of being recognised for your work.

Then, came the many moments of discovery where my health was concerned. I saw VM on Monday as well only to discover that I needed a lumbar and that surgery might be essential. Well, the lumbar was done on Tuesday and for the first time in 2 years I recorded a reading of 16. Am I finally rid of the wretched PTC? VM's only reaction was to not get carried away ... but still he's given his green light to start taking short flights ... so yes, maybe good news is on its way.

What made the whole experience even more enriching was that on Wednesday morning, after my lumbar I woke up to realise that I had someone beside me. His fingers were curled in mine. He hadn't moved from the night before when we had been talking. I remember feeling like a golliwog when he arrived to see in my hospital room. I was a mess. Having not been able to move for at least 6 hours, my clothes were thrown on ... uncombed hair ... and when I could finally move ... he helped me get dressed ... properly. And we talked. About me. About him. Books. Movies. Chocolates.

Seven years ago this was the person I met on my birthday. This was the same person who taught me how to dance to Lou Bega's Mambo 5. And here he is still in my life. From his poolside to my hospital bedside.

They say that it is never the people who are with you at the up moments that really matter but the ones who are with you at your down times that count, this person I believe is one of those people in my life.

Hugs and Love Required :(

2006-04-14T22:19:00.000+08:00

I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. - Elizabeth Kubler-RossThe Wheel of Life (Scribner)

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Jason Jordan

Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell. - Jason Jordan

Clueless

2006-04-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

Someone has been occupying my thoughts lately.

A lot of it.

It's no one I've written about before because I really thought that this would be someone who came and went like everyone else.

He made a very unexpected appearance in my life and continues to do so.

Just when I tell myself, enough. He's not there any more. He's moved on. I'll hear something from him.

And yet, his unexpected presence is becoming more and more a very comfortable thought.

How far this will go? Or how long? I don't know.

Go with the flow, someone told me. Someone else said "he's too good to be true" ...

As to what I say ... I'm still very much clueless.

Childhood dreams?

2006-04-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

So ... here's the the full details of last weekend.

True, that it was no where close to my previous weekend ... *smile* but that's a weekend with stiff competition. :P

Lately, I've found myself in a "what will be, will be" mood and I feel so much more relaxed! Hence, last weekend I took some much needed family time. GG appreciated it more than anyone I guess. But this also led to meeting some old faces who I must say that in the midst of so much change have still remained the same.

One thing about meeting old friends is that they will somehow have a knack of allowing you to appreciate what you have right in front of you.

Take for example ... AIM ... I haven't seen her in close to three years, I was telling her about AS and right there, she sits and says "Wow! So you got what you wanted!" ... And that got me thinking, well ya, I guess did. Having grown up with her since the approximate age of 5, I felt a long distance had set in but seemed to have been overcome that night.

Somethings were so different and yet so much the same.

A to Z of mE

2006-04-11T19:40:00.000+08:00

A- Available? Very much so ... :P

B - Best Friend? MS and MG ... Well, one offers the female perspective and the other the much needed explanation if men are actually from Mars ...

C - Crush? Other than feeling crushed ... none others that I think of ...

D - Dogs name? No pets at the moment ... sad ... well my constant shuttling from here to there wouldn't be fair to them ... but I LOVE dogs!

E - Easiest Person To Talk To? ummm ... this one is tricky ... i CAN talk to everyone (well except SLR) ... but on a personal level ... MG i guess

F - Friday or Saturday? Definitely Saturday morning ... that's when sleeping in is usually easy and my first phone call is not till at least 10.00am

G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Gummy bears definitely ... just saw a super scary show on Discovery about tape worms and slimming products

H - Hometown? Pearl of the Orient ... Beach!

I - If You Could Move Would You? Move from? Considering that I'm always shuttling from here, there and everywhere :P

J - Jesus? Yes.

K - Kids? Very nice to have ... as long as their someone else's :P ... kidding

L- Longest Car Ride? Distance was about 15 mins. But was on my way to have my first brain MRI so it felt more like ... 15 hours ....

M - Milk Flavor? Cold, Dutch Lady Milk ... just plain milk

N - Number Of Siblings? One ... that now comes with a wife and child ... both of whom I adore :P

O - One Wish? Only one? But it would definitely be a cure for PTC ... click on Pseudo Tumor Cerebri ... if you've not heard of this ...

P - Phobia(s) ummm ... losing people I love if there is such a phobia

Q - Favorite Quote? At the moment ... it's coming to understand that GOOD THINGS DON'T COME EASY! ... a friend said this to me the other day ... and oh yes ... it's bloody true.

S - Song You Last Heard? Shakira's Hips Don't Lie ... hahahaha ... and mine certainly don't :P

T - Time You Woke Up? Today? ummm ... around 10.00am I think cos worked till 3.00am last night but in general it always depends on what time I sleep ...

U - Unknown Fact About Me? No matter what I say, I'm very much the child whose aches and pains go away with just one hug ....

V - Vegetable You Love? Broccoli ...

W - Worst Habit? hmmm ... I can be rather annoying sometimes ... but the WORST of them all would be ... day dreaming ...

X -Rays You've Had? Try, hand ... skull and loads of other scans ...

Y - Yummy Foods? Time Out choc definitely

Z - Zodiac Sign? hahahaha ... the ever alluring Scorpio!

Old faces ... new emotions?

2006-04-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

A whole lot like what I'm personally feeling right now ...

Well now ... I've had one of the most memorable weekends in all my life.

I met up with so many old faces, I still wonder at how I fit them all in.

But still truth be told ... the weekend was an amazing journey of self-discovery with loads of coffee bean (ice blended pure vanilla) and starbucks!

Let's start with night one. The best part of this weekend was sitting by someone's poolside late at night, sharing coffee and just talking. The level of acceptance and sense of being loved cannot be put into words.

I felt happy to be accepted so whole heartedly (more than once) by this person but more so I felt lucky that I actually had someone to pour my heart out to at that time and day. I did this two nights in a row.

My nights ending very often at 2am or even 3am, leaving me horribly panda eyed ... but yes ... being able to just sit down and talk with no strings attached ... and being able to share a true ... genuine hug ... it meant a whole lot to me.

Day two saw almost similar events with one very strange happening in the middle of it. Someone by the name of say SLR wanted to meet up. What irked me was that he seemed to have so little to say about himself, I felt like I was making a fool myself by going jabber, jabber, jabber.

I don't know what to make of it or even what he wanted in the first place but for the first time in my life I felt that I failed at doing I know I can always do ... drawing someone into conversation. But well, wherever it goes ... he's a nice person ... and although I doubt we'll be meeting up often after that night, I got to go out. And yes, the night ended by someone's poolside again.

Moonlight. Take away food. Talking. Comfort is not the word. I guess you'll know what I mean only once if you've experienced it. And because it feels so good ... I really hope you do.

The evening of day two had started with PKL. And to think that it's become such a joke. We established that every time I'm approached by a guy who uses the line "I'm different" like the 15 bastards who have so generously claimed ... I'm going to dig my pocket for RM1 and put it away. And at the rate I keep hearing the line ... AS might be able to buy over a whole office tower for herself.

Day three and four were pretty quiet. I got a chance to meet with LIMP who I've been wanting to meet with him for the longest time. We took a walk down memory lane, here and there but a large part of the evening consisted mostly of new stories about our lives, new emotions with little strings attached to how things were.

The rest of the weekend was mostly spent on some ME time and meeting up with newer contacts. This of course led to learning more about people and of course myself.

But still I found it amazing that a cup of ice blended coffee bean and starbucks at any one time could do so much for me ... and all in one weekend!

Coincidences?

2006-03-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

Do you ever get the feeling that when something similar happens to you so many times ... that someone, somewhere is trying to tell you something?

Well, I've had my share of it lately.

Phone calls from people I've not heard from in months and months and suddenly the "Let's meet up" line is used so much am trying to see how I can simply fit everyone in. Sigh.

Better still, there's this person I'm supposed to be meeting really soon. But since I've not heard from him in awhile, I gave up thinking he's just got other things to get to ... :(

As to whether he DOES show up or not, I don't know and I'm not going to torture myself figuring out either. If he does .. well and good. If he doesn't ... I just couldn't care less anymore. :P

HOWEVER ...

Yesterday, I get an invitation to attend a function at the same place I am supposed to meet him and at the same time. Now, HOW weird is that?

The truth about my personality ...

2006-03-26T18:24:00.000+08:00

This one is as accurate as the word accurate gets!

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

What my birthdate means ...

2006-03-26T18:20:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: October 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good.

You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship.

In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing.

Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you.

Your strength: Your dependability

Your weakness: You hate being alone

Your power color: Midnight blue

Your power symbol: Shell

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Love secrets revealed ... hmmm

2006-03-26T18:15:00.000+08:00

Seem to be in the mood for a lot of these today. So, here's one more :P

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

Although you may have been hurt before, you tend to bring very little scars into new relationships.

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you speak your mind and don't hold back. You know you're right, and you can get quite angry about it.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

One last drive ...

2006-03-26T17:01:00.000+08:00

Seeing that it finally rained in Penang yesterday, today seems to be a time out day, considering that it is also my favourite choc! Still, I'll get my ass moving in a bit, much work to be done where AS is concerned

Here's a story that I picked off www.beliefnet.com.

An interesting read really.

There was a time in my life twenty years ago when I was driving a cab for a living. It was a cowboy's life, a gambler's life, a life for someone who wanted no boss, constant movement, and the thrill of a dice roll every time a new passenger got into the cab. What I didn't count on when I took the job was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a rolling confessional. Passengers would climb in, sit behind me in total anonymity, and tell me of their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and made me weep. And none of those lives touched me more than that of a woman I picked up late on a warm August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a someone going off to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at the address, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground-floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a short minute, then drive away. Too many bad possibilities awaited a drive who went up to a darkened building at 2:30 in the morning.

But I had seen too many people trapped in a life of poverty who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation had a real whiff of danger, I always went to the door to find the passenger. It might, I reasoned, be someone who needs my assistance. Would I not want a driver to do the same if my mother or father had called for a cab? So I walked to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute," answered a frail and elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman somewhere in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like you might see in a costume shop or a Goodwill store or in a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The sound had been her dragging it across the floor.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. "Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm, and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice." I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to go?" I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they had first been married. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she would have me slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held on to me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

There was nothing more to say. I squeezed her hand once, then walked out into the dim morning light. Behind me, I could hear the door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I did not pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the remainder of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? How many other moments like that had I missed or failed to grasp? What if I had been in a foul mood and had refused to engage the woman in conversation?

We are so conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unawares. When that woman hugged me and said that I had brought her a moment of joy, it was possible to believe that I had been placed on earth for the sole purpose of providing her with that last ride.

I do not think that I have ever done anything in my life that was any more important.

My inner blood type ..

2006-03-26T03:29:00.000+08:00

The same as Britney Spears and Hitler! Yikes, one killed Jews the other scarred the fashion world for centuries to come ...

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.
You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.
Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.
People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.

You are most compatible with: A and AB

Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

The keys to my heart ... ahem ...

2006-03-26T03:23:00.000+08:00

Found yet another test and did it ... hmmm ... so I wonder who IS holding the keys?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wishes, wishes and more wishes ...

2006-03-26T02:55:00.000+08:00

To be as simple, uncomplicated, chirpy and friendly like the daisy ...

I just never get tired of looking at a white daisy ...

Here's an interesting one that someone sent me via email, apparently it's 35 things that's on a girl's wishlist for a man she can love...

For those who are still hoping, I'd say very honestly that you won't get all 35 in one man, if you do ... please let me know if he has a brother :P .... but if you've even experienced some ... then ... he's still a wonderful person! :P

1.Get kissed in the rain.

2. Have that one kiss where your pressed against the wall .

3. Have a guy that thinks you're the world .

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs.

5. A boy that whispers he loves you in your ear .

6. Have that moment where you just gaze into eachother's eyes.

7. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.

8. When you're not with your guy he's all that you can think about.

9. Wearing his jacket and everytime you breath in, his scent surrounds you .

10. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.

11. A guy who squeezes your hand .

12. A boy that says he loves you and means it .

13. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window .

14. A guy who is loyal .

15. A guy who will sing to you no matter how bad he is .

16. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.

17. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable...not hot, fine,or sexy .

18. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.

19. A guy who says cheesy stuff to you just to make you smile .

20. A boy that is the same when he is with you and when with friends.

21. A boy that tells you everything honestly .

22. A boy that is good with your family and introduces you to his family .

23. A guy that will always let you win .

24. A guy who stands up for you no matter who it is against.

25. A guy who calls you at night just to say 'hi' and see how your day has been .

26. A boy who tells you your smile makes his day and it makes everything better .

27. A boy who will sit on the phone with you when you're sad, even if you're quiet .

28. A boy who you can hangout and have fun with.

29. A boy that will just randonmly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you .

30. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.

31. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.

32. A guy who wouldn't mind you wanting to get all dressed up and do your make up for him. Even if he says he likes you better without make up.

33. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never give a care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.

34. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he's washing your worries/troubles away.

35. A guy who tells you you make his day better, just for being you

Does a guy such a character really exist?

Did a test today ... no needles required!

2006-03-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

Sure as hell used to tests using these ... so an online test seemed so much easier :P

Felt in the mood of taking a test, so looked up a personality test ... found this on www.ColorQuiz.com

Sigh ... seems relatively true ... although I don't quite agree on the authroritative part ... hmmm ...

Your Existing Situation

Seeks to share a bond of understanding intimacy in an esthetic atmosphere of peace and tenderness.

Your Stress Sources

Resists any form of pressure from others and insists on her independence as an individual. Wants to make up her own mind without interference, to draw her own conclusions and arrive at her own decisions. Detests uniformity and mediocrity. As she wants to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions, she find it difficult to admit to being wrong, while at times she is reluctant to accept or understand another's point of view.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation. Exacting in her emotional demands and very particular in her choice of partner. The desire for emotional independence prevents any depth of involvement. The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective

Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem

Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for her personal accomplishments.

Your Actual Problem #2

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of her own efforts.

The face in the mirror ...

2006-03-26T01:09:00.000+08:00

Here's what my heart is made of at the moment ... the way I see it anyways ... especially considering where two balled humans are concerned! :P

I read in some horroscope that someone gave me that the life I am leading and the life I want to lead are two different things. What a laugh ... isn't that the truth? But still it got me thinking, I remember at the age of 17 or maybe even younger, the idealistic me thought I could plan and achieve my own destiny without considering what fate had in store. I drafted a plan of what my life was to be. A successful journalist who eventually got married at the age of 26 I think to the man I was in love for at least four years.

When in truth, I am nowhere near journalism than when I gave up the internship with RT three years ago. I still feel that somehow that 2003 was my biggest year yet. The lessons I learnt, the sacrifices I made and mostly the wake up call that I received ... life isn't about planning, it's about accepting what is dealt to you. It isn't about living it the way you want but simply living it.

Sigh, enough about the past then. Can't make any changes there. :P

Someone commented the other day that I don't look and act my age solely because of the way I dealt with the most stressful circumstances and most difficult of bosses ... and all I could think to myself was ya ... you have a brain condition for three years and watch the best and worst of the people around you ... it teaches you ... stress isn't about work, bosses, work, people ... I can't seem to compare it to the loneliness that has been eating at me for the past three years, I can't compare it to the pain I feel when the needle goes through my lumbar and I most certainly cannot compare it to the feeling of rejection that because of circumstances you can't control ... people choose not be with you anymore ... so in comparison to all of this, what's a little stress? :P

Today, in a very funny way, was a cindreak day ... work was there. AS was involved in an event. Not one with a big time budget or anything but what brings more money than publicity? :P

And I was the judge of beauty pageant! Don't even ask me how that happened ... Me ... the one who picks clothes that are comfortable and not fashionable ... Me ... the one who has been running on such a short fuse that the dark circles under my eyes are becoming increasingly harder for make up to conceal ... Sigh ... But overall ... it was a good day.

I think what made today especially nice was that I got time to be away from the everyday worries that I have resorted myself to thinking about .. AS, S5, I didn't have the same faces I had around me everyday ... and that in some way helped, it was just me, the event and the people there.

There were many people of various backgrounds around me, couples, families ... the judge next to me even brought his 30 week pregnant wife, and another judge was five months pregnant ... they seemed to have so much to talk about, it was like being pregnant just made them instant friends. True, I could talk to most people there but then I almost always manage to pull that off isn't it?

I saw couples holding hands, husbands and wives exchanging glances amidst the bustle of their children and the mall itself ... and then I realised ... I felt at that point that to some extent it felt like I was window shopping.

It's just like standing on the outside looking in on this priceless gem knowing that it costs so much that you would never be able to attain it. Having accepted that I will never have the feeling of being loved that way or one day walking into the mall with my family in tow, I must say ... to those who have them, appreciate the blessings that have been given to you, everyday, every minute ... Some of us can only dream very small dreams of what you have already been blessed with.

Someone told me today that I need to start resting more before I start complaining of "brain damage" ... that kind of hurt at first. Because as much as I try to go with the flow of how things are ... I never asked my brains to end up the way they are. I never asked for a brain condition that would change my life. And I don't think I've complained. True, I get tired very easily on a bad day ... and the medications are horrid ... I say I have headaches when I do ... but complain? I've been looking in the mirror thinking I'm dealing and accepting the situation as it is but then since this has come up ... maybe I should look into it ...

Maybe I should just take GC's advice and say nothing about it. I just figured it was right to tell people how I feel, healthwise especially so they wouldn't be in for surprises and it would help them appreciate what they have ... but maybe I should start zipping up.

I need to start resting more, hell I know that! But the valium's not working and the simbutramine's keeping me awake .. so what do I do? If I force myself to sleep, then the nightmares are utterly delusional, so I'd rather just stay awake and get whatever work I can get done because there is simply loads to do ... AS is occupying so many brain cells of mine I tell you ... :P ... maybe that's why the valium's not working ... hmmmm

But how can I explain this? How do I tell someone that I have good days and bad days, that my medication has side effects which I have no control over ... Even if I do explain, would anyone even care to understand? Sigh. It's one thing if people don't want explanations or are not willing to understand, but shouldn't that mean that they should also stop asking the questions?

I was telling someone the other day that if we lived in a perfect world, we could make ANY purchase we like ... i.e. a new brain, more time, more love ... anything we wanted ... silly thought I know ... but still ... if we lived in a perfect world ... why the hell not?

Someone who accepts us as we are ...

2006-03-23T00:10:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been sometime I guess since I posted. A lot has happened ... as always.

AS has picked up ... slowly and hopefully surely. S5 is getting a little too over bearing at some points but hopefully it's just a phase.

On a personal note, health first ... my white blood count is still rising. And they dun have a clue as to what is causing it. At first, my kidneys were the immediate suspects :) when they found blood trace in my urine ... and kidney malfunction is a side effect of diamox ... so I had some very pretty pictures taken of my kidneys and my bladder!

I even had an ultrasound of my kidneys, liver, uterus ... :) not many people I know can say that :P

The headaches come and go which I think is mostly due to the heat ... so i'm letting it slide, drinking loads of water and trying very hard to follow the alarms on my mobile for my medication.

However, despite it all I let my heart ache again. :(

I defied the rules of my little black box and took a peep outside. I believed the words of this man who as of today has topsy turvied my emotions. So, no more ... I told myself. I've tried all the remedies and I've heard all the lines.

This is the last straw where I will listen to anything nice a human structure with two balls ever has to say. I refuse to believe that even one of them has a shred of honesty in them and as much as I wish things could be different, I am now definite of thing. I am who I am. I can't change. Fate handed me a cruel blow three years ago. I've accepted it. I've dealt with it. I no longer have the patience or energy to make someone else understand, to accept and deal with what I have and who I am.

Someone told me that after the worst of storms, there is usually the brightest of rainbows. I want to believe that ... I really do. It rained 40 days and 40 nights before Noah knew it was over ... but after three long years, numerous heartbreaks and uncountable downfall of expectations. This is where I draw the line.

Enough is simply enough.

If they can't accept me for who I am, I'm not even going to bother trying. Someone warned me that this way, even if something good did come my way ... I might lose it ... but what do you do when you've lost all faith? I seriously think it's more self destructive to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt only to find yourself stomped on like an old floor mat.

Someone started a thread on my PseudoTumorCerebri group titled "How do your spouses handle you having PTC?". As always there were some discouraging ones as all the men I have seen and experienced in recent years but what amazed me was that most of those replies actually had positive responses. Normal people who resorted to helping out with children, taking on housework, additional jobs ...

I no longer wish that I would one day be able to post a response like that because I know it will never happen. But still it's nice to know that despite knowing I will not have anyone to love or who loves me in that way, that some people have been truly blessed with husbands who have accepted them in the true manner of "of sickness or in health."

When I was first diagnosed and learning to deal with the adjustments, someone handed me quotes from Richard Bach which helped me get through that phase of time and deal with the issues ... today I stumbled across another of his quotes that I seem to agree with, wholeheartedly ...

"We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical Someone is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks."

I'm fine the way I am. All cried out and desperately in need of a hug ... but I'm not going to waste a single moment more of my life wishing for someone who'll give that hug. HE doesn't exist ... I know that now.

Everybody loves strong people ...

2006-03-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

Everybody loves strong people because they don’t ask for anything, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need anything. Was watching a rerun of Judging Amy and Vincent’s girlfriend says this to him. She finds out she has cancer and he tells her not to give up fighting because what he loves about her is her strength. And this is her response …

My strength is wavering. That much I know. I feel that I have screwed up so badly in the past and that I am now receiving the full punishment of it, one after another. MG .. DQ … MS, they’re around me but I don’t know how much longer I can bear all this with a smile.

I crashed my car today. And the worse part, I just couldn’t remember a single thing that happened. I was reversing. Did he hit me? Or did I hit him? I had so much on my mind at that point, I knew my concentration was minimal.

VM has tied up most of everything that he wants to do … The verdict? A chronic lumbar infection, increased white cell count … meaning no more lumbar punctures, meaning that if there is increased CSF that affects my eyes, its surgery …

How I got from, yes … yes … you have till June before you have a metal piece in brain, to .. so maybe you’ll have the metal piece in your brain anytime (maybe) next week, it’s terrifying.

Now, it’s almost like I literally have no control of what happens to me. And that makes me sick to the stomach. Decisions of what I do, where I go and when I go, lie in pills, hospital trips, doctors … when will this shit ever end?!

And the part that’s killing in me inside is that I think I have disappointed so many people around me, especially ACH. I can hear it in her voice every time we speak and I just don’t how to tell her that I can fix this … because I’m completely clueless in that category as well.

I also think that it has come to a point when even others have gotten tired of this. If I feel this sick of the whole thing, I can only imagine how they feel. How much can one person bear listening to a broken record of “I need to go to the hospital.” … “I need to have this pill.” … “This pill is giving me this side effect, its giving me that rotten feeling.” Enough. But when will it ever be enough?

As the days pass, I’m beginning to feel that I’m fighting a losing battle, on the brink of insanity. There’s just no sure way of winning.

People are saying so many different things, asking so many different questions that I don’t have the answers to … how do I tell them that it’s not words I need? I don’t need their sympathy. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want to know what they think the doctor should be doing. I don’t want to keep answering the same questions over and over again, sometimes from the same people. I don’t want to be checked up on.

I just so badly need a hug. For five minutes, someone to hold me tight enough and to hear, “Everything is going to be okay,” from someone else who has enough faith that it will be. Even if it’s not true, this is one illusion I need, just for five minutes, just to have a little hope, in myself and of what is to come.

I’m trying to get by today without thinking too much of the procedure and medication to come on Tuesday but … honestly, I feel so alone and very simply … I’m completely all cried out.

mEn in my life ... SLIMBEE

2006-02-21T00:07:00.000+08:00

This one is as psycho ... as the word psycho gets ... Think Kevin Spacey's character in the movie SEVEN and you might just figure this whacko out.

What started out as I need a date for one evening turned out to be a nightmare that lasted for close to two months. He went from "I'm all about integrity" lies, lies, lies and more lies in a matter of days. Hence, the acronym ... StupidLyingIntelligentMalayaleeBastard ... He considered himself to be the cream of the crop where men were concerned and repeatedly kept telling me, "Everyone you knew are guys, I'm a man!" ... Well, if he's a man, then women are better off dating piglets ...

Despite my repeatedly telling him not to get himself involved with my condition, he chose to come to the hospital, chose to get involved and then told me that he's family would not be able to accept the condition. He later told MS that he "broke up" because I didn't love him. HELLO ... what is there to love ... I bloody knew him for like a month or so, and you want love ...

This is mind you, the same person who kept telling me that he CHOSE to adopt a baby out of the goodness of his heart (which obviously turned out to be a big time lie because he knew my stand on adoption).

He constantly claimed that he never saw the necessity of men cheating on the people they were with. He was a one woman guy, it seems. Bullshit. Smses on his phone were a completely different story. Worse, he blamed the girl, his office mate (whom he swore that he thought it was ridiculous to have office affairs, ironically that's my stand!). Everytime we were out on a so called date, he would mutter, "I don't know why she is smsing me so late asking me stupid questions about bringing her pc to work tomoro." Well, hello, when you're shagging her and making empty promises, helping her fix her pc might seem somewhere on the list of, "Ya ok I promise to help you because I said love you, I don't mean it but which is why I'm shagging you."

MS too was horrified at the lies considering she had a little bit to do with the matchmaking of this "date". She just could not believe that one person could carry so much lies within themselves. But seriously when you think about it, his lies were absolutely intricate. "I've broken up for two years." Then I find out it's only been three months. Hahaha ... and here's the clincher, "it was a mutual breakup." "She didn't want me anymore." "She's getting married soon." "But please don't say anything bad about her." "She's the one who understood me the most." "I'm helping her move into a new apartment." "I'm meeting her for coffee." ... Talk about shutting doors.

Last I heard, which was like an hour ago, he had apparently proposed to his ex who he had broken up with but was still shagging the officemate and the ex or rather current fiancee found out ... But this is all I had to say on the issue ... if he goes around proposing to everyone that has a hole in front, please tell me what is there to pick a fight about? :p

I remember when he wanted to "break up", it was such a weight off my shoulders that I just could not help having a little fun. Okla, that sounds a little sinister, I know. But after all the shit he put me though, I thought why not give him something to think about. Tired of his constant tests about how much "us" meant to him, I wrote it all down ... just for him to review ... he didn't take that quite well though, but still it put a smile on my face ...

This is what I said ... in an email I called HOPE ...

Hey,
For everything that has happened in the past two days, please don’t for even a minute think that I am angry. Because I’m not, I know. You have made your decision and I will completely respect it because if it is what you want and if you’re going to be happy then so be it. I do however, have only one favour to ask of you in return.
In future when a woman walks into your life treat her with respect, appreciate her, love her and do everything you normally do. You are an exceptional person and there is no question about that. However, this is the favour I have to ask of you. Please, I beg you, don’t ever give her hope that you will one day take away.
I remember the day we met – Friday, 20 May
I said how at the end of the day all men only want to get between your legs. They use you and leave you. You said you don’t believe that and those are guys. You are a man. You wouldn’t ever do such a thing. You gave me hope.
Sunday, 21 May

I finally got up the nerve to tell you about my condition. You’ve always asked why I was so hesitant and I always responded – it was fear of rejection and judgment that I had seen and experienced so many times before. You said you had no problems. You called my ex a guy with no balls for rejecting me. I begged you to stay away from getting involved with anything to do with my condition. I said I would not be able to take it, if any other person walked into my life, said he would care for me and then walked out. You said you would do no such thing. Again, you gave me hope. I clearly remember the heated discussion that we had in Bangsar when I said please don’t come for my treatments, please don’t say things you won’t do. You responded with “I refuse to be judged based on my actions.” “I am a man” you kept saying. You gave me more hope.

Wednesday, 25 May

This was the first time we ever spoke about religion.I clearly mentioned my stand on it. You said “I don’t see a problem.” Again, my dear you gave me so much more hope.

Friday, 27 May to Sunday, 29 May
I was away in Penang at this time and I told you of more things that had happened in my life. I opened up to how I had been hurt many many times before. You said you never will do the same. You also said that you wanted to be able to tell me everything. I agreed saying any kind of a relationship between people are always based on honesty. I also told you of how my ex was. How he so often chose his family before me. Money before me. You said he was a guy who had no balls. You would be different you said. We also had a very heated discussion that under no circumstances was I ever to equate you with my ex. You gave me more hope.
Sunday, 29 May
You told me about Ranee. I said I have no qualms about what you were about to do. We talked more about the future and you said many things that told me you cared and you accepted me for who I am. I felt that you gave two people hope today.
Tuesday, 7 June
We had a very heated discussion. You said I was only concerned about money, wealth, materials …. I said you can’t let go of the past and I needed to know why. We patched up. You said I will always be someone special in your life. You gave hope.
Thursday, 9 June to Friday, 10 June
I found out that I was to back to square one where my condition was concerned. I would have to go for treatment the very next day. We had a heated discussion that night. A very heated one. You asked “Do you want me to be there?” I said, “Its up to you.” Solely for the reason, I know how much I can take and I knew that under no circumstances would I be able to handle the fact of someone being there and then not. What did you do? You came anyway. This was where you gave me more hope than you’ll ever know.

Saturday, 18 June
You again asked me about my hesitancy to tell you about my condition. I told you again, rejection and judgment is something I can no longer take. You said, “Stop crying. I’m here to take care of you. You don’t need others, I'll always be here for you.” You then wiped away my tears and held me tight. You gave more hope.
Monday, 20 June
You said your father completely disapproved of us. Solely because of religion, you were to say. You said, “Don’t worry. We’ll work our way around it.”

We were then to have several heated discussions about religion, conversion and acceptance. You were making minor adjustments you said. I said I don’t see how things have changed. “Relationships are not about you and I. They are about US. It’s about two people holding hands and facing obstacles together.” Very ironically, my dear, those were your words not mine.

You see to people like you, HOPE is just a four letter word. To people like me, hope means a shot at happiness and acceptance. So, when you leave and take hope with you, you’re taking more than just a four letter word. You might think that hurt like this will go away, people change you always say. But you see I’ve walked down this road too many times before to know otherwise. This hurt does not go away. It keeps eating at you till you can’t feel anymore.

When you are with someone you care about, appreciate them. Obstacles will always be there. Life is not perfect. But knowing that you will always have each other to fall back on – that is love. Relationships are about two people joining paths, compromising and saying, “Hey, you’re still the one I want to be with.” That is how I see it.

So, don’t. Please. Don’t give hope to people when you know you’re going to take it away.

Hugs,
Me.

mEn in my life ... PA

2006-02-21T00:00:00.000+08:00

The rumour that men don't gossip ... it's not true. Trust me, I learnt that much from this one.

He came with the same line, not all men are scum. I chose to believe this, yet again. Yes ... Yes ... foolish me. Because I was thrown into his "care" I guess we didn't have much of a choice, I felt bad that he was stuck with me ... and I honestly don't know what he was thinking.

But the song, My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas was probably written after men like him!

We took really long drives and I enjoyed this. But then as the drives grew shorter, his intentions became clearer and vastly different from what I had in mind.

What irked me was that everything we did was constantly followed up by PK ... I listened to my instincts and said ... no more. Hence, this was one of the very short ones who even if bump into today, I might just go like ... "huh ... who?"

mEn in my life ... PK

2006-02-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

This would be the one that every fairy tale tells a girl to dream about and the same one that reality says, "yeah right!"

He came at a time when I was clearly vulnerable, he saw an opportunity and grabbed it, big time. LIMP described him as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I just cannot agree more. He went to the extent of following me for my medical appointments, taking time off to be with me when I had a bad day. I didn't want a relationship. I told him that much. He said, he would prove it to me that not all men are scum. Ha! That's a good one.

What was a fairy tale for one month slowly turned into a horrific nightmare. He claimed time and again that his divorce was final. That his marriage had been a mistake. She was too young. And he had based their relationship on sympathy. I had my doubts but I still ok ... benefit of the doubt. I have since come to learn that all divorcees use this line, it was HER fault ...

Then the truth started reeling in. His divorce was not final. His mother and brother who lived overseas did not even know that he and his wife had split up! I walked in without calling to his house one day and found him making out in the kitchen with a woman who obviously was not his wife! His version of who I was to his mother turned out to be a scary delusion.

And just as he started realising that I was beginning to know, the distance started setting in. He became Mr. Hyde. No more phone calls. No more how are yous ... It was more "oh ok, you're here" ... On more than one occassion, we would have a date, I would arrive and at the very last minute he would ditch me in the hands of PA (that's a whole different blog by the way ...) So I walked out and he had the cheek to call and ask if I would ever see him again ...HELLO ... I may have a brain condition that doesn't make me stuppid!

I shut the door but sigh ... then came PA.

mEn in my life ... KK

2006-02-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

Well, since what happened earlier, caution was always a necessity when it came to men. I refused to let myself get hurt by any one man again. I swore this to myself but still somehow this one got away, I fell in love. I was nineteen.

We met at a friend's place and what started as a five hour conversation eventually turned into a four year relationship. It was tough at first, to lay down the foundation but we eventually got through, I guess. I went through three years of college and a year of building a career with him by my side. Did he support me? Yes. In more ways than could be expected. But still, we had issues. I wasn't the right type of religion. I wasn't "introduce to the parents" material. I was apparently too controversial as he was the only son and had to do what was right by his parents' wishes.

I was a fool enough to think that somehow things might change and that the biggest obstacle would be something we would get through together. I was even more foolish to believe that he valued me enough to stand by me through it all like I had done for him. I saw him grow in his career. I saw his wants and tastes change. I saw his objectives and goals broaden and achieved.

Then came the time when I REALLY, REALLY needed him. It was approximately September 2003. The headaches had begun with the weight gain absolutely out of control. I did not have a clue what was happening. And I think it was this time, that I saw us drifting apart. Our arguments had become more frequent since March that year and everyday seemed like an effort just to get through when it came to "us."

By October, my vision was screwed up. I had double vision on my right eye. I was terrified and everytime I needed a shoulder just for a little support, he was too busy. Work, he claimed. And again I was foolish enough to believe that excuse. This was when MG came in, I guess. But even that became an issue. "I was cheating on him with MG," he kept telling me over and over again. Little did I know that, it might have just been an excuse to set himself free from the relationship without his stories coming out in the open. What was worse that this argument actually sparked on my 23 brithday. I was feeling extremely lonely in KL and had asked just for a piece of cheesecake, somehow that started the MG issue, and I never even got my cheesecake!

November 4th came and went. Through it all, he was always either too tired or too busy to give me the one thing I needed the most. A hug with "everything's going to be okay." I was diagnosed and had my first lumbar. He came much after everything was over, looked around and never came back to the hospital.

I was discharged the next day and on Friday night after the great Matrix premiere, which also became an issue because I was too sick to go, he broke up. He couldn't deal with it, he claimed. This was too much for him. The fact that I was now not only a different religion but that I had a strong chance of not being able to have kids was apparently taking away everything that was important to him.

With the diagnosis and treatment, I guess I had too much on my mind to deal with and hence, I calmly said, "go." My mistake however, was that I did not shut the door after him. So, yes, we frequently met up even after the break up. He wanted to reconcile later that November and I said no. Thank God.

But I continued again foolishly thinking that after everything he HAD done for me, it was only RIGHT that I still at least be a friend. It blew up in my face. Big time. In June 2004, he said he met someone who was RIGHT by his parents. She was gorgeous and intelligent. I said, "good for you" and still somehow left the door a little ajar because in September he calmly told me that he was getting married.

That's when it hit me, I guess. It would have been so much better to have just shut the door in the first place. Sigh. Friends can become lovers but lovers can never become friends ...

The wedding apparently took place in January 2005 by which time I HAD shut the door and didn't give a rat's ass anymore but still if he could jump so directly into commitment that was RIGHT by his parents, was it really love that he felt for me in the first place? Or was it just four years of something that he could occupy himself with?

mEn in my life ... PRM

2006-02-20T23:09:00.000+08:00

This is probably my earliest memory about how screwed up men can be. I was twelve. He was probably more than a decade older than me. But still it did not stop him from taking something that did not belong to him. He came as a trusted friend but took more than he was ever given permission to.

For years I blamed myself, telling myself that in some way I could have stopped what happened that dreaded night. But I eventually learnt that there was no stopping what had had happened and I taught myself to stay away from any situation as similar as to that dreaded night.

What irked me even more was that no one could do a shit thing about what happened because it was only right to maintain the family name, it was only right that the matter be settled as amicably and as quietly as possible, not because it was the best way to resolve the issue but because it was the right way.

For a large part of this, I hate going home to see him. What more that I have to see him in church. It's been close to 13 years since it happened but he's apparently been blessed enough. He has a good family and is respected. Although vengeance is a bad thing, for people like him, I can't help but wonder, whatever happened to what goes around comes around? But still he has two sons now, so even if either of them turn out like their father, then may God be with him, because other than the emotional scars of what he has done to me, I know I've learnt my lesson and moved on.

A weekend of new faces, achievements and lessons learnt...

2006-02-20T00:03:00.000+08:00

Well, the weekend has finally ended. Yes, there were a few glitches but overall it went smoothly where the media get to gather for S5 was concerned. AS achieved new heights through the weekend. "It was a good gathering." "It was well-planned." And all I could think was, "Not bad. We did this. All the way from step one."

Somehow, we were blessed enough with a special blend of people with say maybe only one spoil sport whom everyone could be comfortable with. Right from check in, to the city tour to the charity visit and even check out today, I just couldn't stop thinking that. "yes, yes .. AS did this." :)

I found myself totally exhausted at the end, but hey AS pulled of the get to gather, got herself a few jobs lined up (prospectively) so yes it's a good feeling because right now she needs all the help she can get.

There were a total of nine persons from six different magazines and papers plus one radio station check in which was not related to the fam trip so it was a full blown weekend.

The charity we visited was also a true eye opener. Expecting literally a home for about thirty children, what we got was an established charity that's been around for the past 65 tears since the death railway, a multi purpose hall and even a school. It's amazing that in the midst of so much snob, some have actually stepped away for a good purpose.

On a personal note, I learnt something about myself too. I can stop selling myself short now. I'm pretty alright and if people can't see that, then it's high time I start telling them, "it's your loss." A large part of this was brought on by GC and I had to keep thinking to myself if I'd ever be good enough but no, I'm not great because I'm still learning but I'm not totally a big zero as well. I am interesting enough for someone to stop and talk to, I'm good enough to start a conversation and I'm sure as hell good enough to put up with. I have my weaknesses, we all do and so does GC.

The constant followers of When The Clock Strikes Twelve (thank you for reading my ramblings) have always mentioned that they have never got the full scoop of all the men in my life. What they've only got is bits and pieces but that will soon change, with GC out of the picture, I've resolved that most Malaysian men can be officially declared as everything I've always thought of them. Screwed up, indecisive, shallow and ultimate whackos who only think of holes.

They always have been and will always continue to be the kind that seek to do everything they want, the way they want it, with all the fun they want but will eventually turn around and tell you, "I'm sorry but I need my mummy's permission to wipe my ass."

Be it whatever the occupation, wherever the degree and whatever the status, they've gone to great extents to prove that yes, no one else can ever be like them. :P

I always kept telling myself that generalizations are not good and that some are different. Well, if there is even ONE that's different, then he's probably stuck in some tower waiting for his Rapunzel to rescue him, cos I've just about had enough to know that they will never be different.

GC went to the extent of commenting that he thought it was a disgrace that most Malaysian girls he knew resorted to dating/marrying foreigners and after everything that has happened, I can't help but think, can you even blame us? But enough on this topic for now, I'll be giving a full breakdown on each character, soon enough, much to the dismay of themselves I think. :)

I'm totally addicted ...

2006-02-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

The instant I saw the video for James Blunt's Goodbye My Lover, I was completely smittened. I think it's been a week since I've seen it, but the lighting and concept is simply amazing, hence the temptation to post the lyrics .... :)

What I love about it is the complete almost "white" bright sunlight in the couple scene and the earth tones and darkness when he sits alone on the bed ... the concept is so simple yet so much more meaningful ... and the lyrics ... well that's a whole different story :P

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

If I had my life to live over ...

2006-02-12T00:31:00.000+08:00

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER by Erma Bombeck
(Written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for theday.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.

"There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. live it ... and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.

Life is too short to let it pass you by.

We only have-one shot at this and then it's gone.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Accepting what I have ...

2006-02-12T00:22:00.000+08:00

This is something else I got off my MSN group which is definitely a true description of how I've felt and continue to feel about my silly-willy PTC ... :P

The PTC Creed by Sheila Reilly

I promise to accept the fact that I have PTC, a neurological disorder which will limit my abilities in my every day life.

While I will always have PTC, some days will be good, and some days will be bad.

I will be thankful for the good days and try to make the most of them.

When I am having a bad day, I will try to remember that most likely it will not last.

When I am having a bad day, I will listen to my body, and get the rest that I need.

I will let my family know that I am not feeling well, because they cannot read my mind.

I will not feel guilty about resting, because I will eventually begin to feel better, and in the long run, it will also benefit my family.

They will not become malnourished if they eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

I will not feel guilty or worry about the work that is not getting done while I am resting.

The world will not fall apart without me, even though it looks like it already has.

I will not let anyone else make me feel guilty for taking time out for myself. They will never understand exactly what I am experiencing, the pain I feel, the exhaustion that I feel.

They will never understand the fear that I feel when my symptoms creep up on me, and land me flat on my back.

I promise not to feel sorry for myself when I am feeling bad, because there are a lot of people out there who are in worse shape than I am.

I will not be sorry for what I don't have, but be thankful for what I do have.

I promise to learn a lesson from my illness, which is not to take life for granted.

I will try to enjoy every moment that was given to me, and be thankful for the times I can smile and laugh.

I will try to help others who also suffer from my condition. There are many confused and frightened people who need to hear comforting words from someone who has been there. There are many people who need me to take his or her hand, and be pointed in the right direction.

Lastly, I will not ask "Why me?" While PTC has weakened my physical body, it has strengthened my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

Could you ever just be with me tonight?

2006-02-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

This is something that I got off my MSN Group for Pseudo Tumor Cerebri, I remember immediately relating to it the first time I read it, so here ... words well-written and emotion more than well-captured ...

Alone Tonight c Lynne A. Serewicz, July 4, 2003 ("AnnaLynne")

Tonight, I sit, at home, alone
My heart strings strike a heavy tone.
How much longer, will I, can I, be alone?

How can I seek your heart to steal?
When my emotions are exaggerated or blunted, but seldom real?
How can you understand, or know how I feel?

Could you be with me if you knew?
If you knew all I am going through?
Like, sometimes, for a moment, I might not remember you?

When my head is full, and it's hard to speak
My tongue is twisted and my mood is bleak

Could you be my strength, as I feel weak?

When I'm weary and tired and feeling the drain
Of the dizzy feelings and frequent pain
Could you be my sunshine, amid the rain?

Could you hold me close, as the room spins 'round
To keep me from falling to the ground?
And could you sing to me above the whooshing sound?

Could you let me love you, the way I long to?
Could I be the one you'll sing your love song to?
Could I ever be the one your heart will belong to?

Could you be my love, if I lost my sight?
Could you stand with me, in this constant fight?
Should I even be asking? Do I have the right?

Could you ever love me? Or just be with me tonight????

Hitting a raw nerve ...

2006-02-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

Okies ... Today, I've done the most posting ever since I started blogging ... Why? I don't know. Maybe in the midst of work and writing my stories, I needed an outlet of expression ... Hence, the many, many blogs.

I'm not an ardent fan of astrology or feng shui but in the past few days, people have been handing them around, I guess with the New Year and Chinese New Year, everyone is in the mood to predict the good and bad this year will be bring. Anyways, as people have been giving them to me, I've been glancing through and IT IS a little freaky sometimes as to how much truth each of it actually brings. And just a few minutes ago, another one hit a raw nerve ...

This what my horrorscope for Scorpio said today...

Today, you will need to come up with the answer to a really important question, dear Scorpio. What do you really want? Events might incite you to choose between your actual way of living and a more stable life. But you are worried about the unknown. Ironically, you will need to change your habits if you want more stability. Think about it.

What freaked me out was that it actually said "you are worried about the unknown". And that it brought up stability. Two things I had found my thoughts drifting to the whole of today. These past week, AS' stability has been my major concern for both PG and KUL and I found myself engrossed in thinking how this will turn out ... And yes, I'm worried, very worried about AS and the way June is slowly creeping up on me. Is this the unknown, I don't know. But I do know this much, that if there are changes that need to be made to myself, to ensure stability then so be it. I'll think very hard about this.

I know it's not me to get freaked out about a horrorscope but when it hits so close to home that I can hardly find the words to describe it, hmmm ... so. yes ... I'll give it some thought.

On a lighter note, I saw another cool video today. James Blunt's, Goodbye My Lover is magnificent. The colour combinations and light play ups of dark and bright are way cool. Before I get tempted to blog more, I'm going to slip back into my writing. :P

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to ...

2006-02-11T23:48:00.000+08:00

I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet whenever our wings have trouble remembering to fly.

So much like Keith Urban's "You'll think of me" ... but yes I couldn't agree with this more ...
One day you will love me as I loved you... one day you will think of me as I thought of you... one day you will cry for me like I cried for you... and one day you will want me, but I won't want you.

What can I truly say about this? ...
He holds me when i start to cry...makes me smile with just his eyes...shares my hopes, dreams, fears...wipes away all my tears...I love him without regret...I just havent found him yet.

And yet, is there still hope? :P
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Be more concerned about your character than your reputation because your character is who you are and your reputation is what others think of you.

You never loose by loving, you always loose by holding back.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Another one that expresses the truth of When Harry Met Sally ... A guy and a girl ... Just friends? It rarely, rarely happens ...where both parties have NO interest whatsoever ...
Should I smile cause you're my friend, or cry cause that's all we'll ever be?

Something I think that the world we live in fails very much to see ...
Makeup is only the icing on the cake – it doesn’t create your personality or your being.” – Sonia Kashuk

I'll have a huge drink to this ...
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.– Katherine Hepburn

She can never fall for you if you're not there to catch her.

Don't settle for the one you can live with... wait for the one you can't live without

2006-02-11T21:44:00.000+08:00

A whole bunch of relationship quotes ... don't ask why but had a collection of them so decided to post it. :p

***A guy and a girl can be just friends but at one point or another one of them will fall for the other maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late or maybe just maybe forever!

***Been there, done that ... need I say more ...

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, cause I might do something crazy like believe it.

***There's always be that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start

***Two teardrops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other "I'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. Who are you?"..."I'm the teardrop of the man who regrets letting that girl go.

***I think this applies to everyone around you ...

Don't cry over anyone who wont cry over you.

***Never say forever cause forever isn't real, forever's what you think and forever's what you feel, so if you mean forever, please promise that you'll try, but never say forever cause forever makes me cry.

***Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who'll lay under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without make-up. One who's constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.

***This is definitely true but a little hard to find ...

No man is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry.

***Nice ... but wouldn't do it for everyone though ... :P

If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn’t jump with them I'd be at the bottom to catch them.

***We always knew we would look back on our tears in laughter, but we never thought we would look back on our laughter in tears.

We all take different paths in life ...

2006-02-11T21:16:00.000+08:00

Well, I certainly seem to be in a quotey mood today, so I've putting together a collection of my favourite quotes, poems and songs that I can get my hands on.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere-Tim McGraw

This is one is a classic from a person who I must say truly lived up to it ...
Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

This one is Tennyson from A Cinderella Story.
Half the night I waste in sighs,
Half in dreams I sorrow after
The delight of early skies;
In a wakeful dose I sorrow
For the hand, the lips, the eyes,
For the meeting of the morrow . . .

Another one from A Cinderella Story
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

For the past two years, yes ... I can definitely relate to :P
Guys are like rollercoasters, either they make you sick or give you the thrill of your life

Another self-preservation quote ... maybe
One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Funeral blues by WH Auden ... read in Four Weddings and A Funeral. Not too great a fan of Hugh Grant or the movie but it's a great poem ...
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I do not love you ...

2006-02-11T20:04:00.000+08:00

This has got to be my ultimately favourite poem. It was read out by Robin Williams' character in Patch Adams - an absolutely super movie but then what isn't with Robin William's in it? :P

Apologies though that I could not quote the exact source, if anyone does know, then just send me a buzz. Thanks.

I do not love you as you were salt-rose or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love as certain dark things are to be loved,in secret, between the shadow and soul.
I love you as the plant that was never blooms,but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;thanks to your love a certain solid fragance,risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;so I love because I know no other way than this.
Where I does not exist, nor you,so close that your hand on my chest is my hand so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Regrets, I have a few ...

2006-02-11T01:32:00.000+08:00

Ironically, those words are one of the lines in the ever famous song, My Way and yet today, as I reflect on how things have turned out, I can't but agree more.

Someone died yesterday. I'm not too good when it comes to dealing with matters of the dying and death, be it to myself or others. Maybe it's the lack of preparation on my side or maybe it's the feeling of loss that comes when you know a loved one will no longer walk in through the door like you've seen them do a million times before.

True, the person who died was no one close to me. I do know that we were related somehow but my earliest memory of him was when I was 14 and trying to master the art of playing the organ in front of an audience and all he could tell me was that I was not good enough. Maybe it was his tone, his choice of words or the fact that he was rather deaf at some times, but something never really made me warm to him. I respected him for the elderly person that I was but kept a very distant distance. His heart failed, apparently and the funeral is to be later today.

I'm not going that's for sure. I've attended only two funerals all my life, both out of obligation and never because I wanted to. I always told myself that not being given the chance to attend my own father's funeral, I seem to be cheating his memory by attending someone else's. A little whacked up, I know. But that's something I need to work on.

Which brings me back to the concept of losing the person you love. It always seems to me that it is only in death that we sit down to think of the maybes and the what ifs, which is why I alwayas think ... if the person actually meant so much to you when he was alive, why should there be sadness when the person is gone?

Shouldn't it be that, "this person has had a great life and I have no regrets about the relationship that I had with this person"?

I have come to realise that this is a feature in most people that I have come to detest. We wait and we wait and we wait. We plan to say the right thing. We then plan for the moment to say the right thing. We then plan for the place and moment to say the right thing. Enough already ... Why can't it be as simple as if we want to say or do something, that we just go ahead, at that very moment?

Why is it so easy to show anger but yet it takes so much planning to just lean over and give a friend a hug because you know he/she needs it more than anything ...

I'm not perfect and I guess at some point I'm guilty of doing the same but I know one thing for very sure, these past two years and three months, I've had very few regrets in life. I've felt hurt and my regrets have come from things before November 2003, but if anything that the silly-willy PTC has done to me, it has taught me to live everyday to the fullest.

Yes, planning is needed to run a business, to move around schedules, your own and others but the way I see it, I wake up in the morning with a list of tasks running through my head and I do my best to achieve the most that I can for one day. Whatever else that comes up and can be done within my means, I pack it all in a day and get it done. Why? Simple ... the way my life has been built these past two years, I don't know what chances I'll get for tomorrow or what opportunities will be taken from me.

Twice, I have been in so much pain, that I have not been able to wake up for at least two days. I never want to leave knowing that I could have done it but then postponed it for no apparent reason and I never get to do it, ever. More than enough of times, I've thought that things were going smoothly, when I would land in the hospital for a lumbar that would knock me out for at least three days. All this taught me enough, I guess. Do everything you're capable of, everyday.

Despite the fact that we can plan beyond today, the outcome of those plans are not left to us. And as much as people tell me, don't work too late or don't do this, don't do that because of my health, I always think, no, if I can I will. I will not let it keep running my life.

I refuse to have regrets by being concerned with such intricate timing and planning that I forget to enjoy the today that I've been given. It's been two years since I've worn a watch and not looking at it every five minutes to make sure I'm on time to get things done has not made me any weaker or any less a bad planner.

The word NOW, turned around is WON. So, yes, I'll rather be a NOW person and win at the opportunities that each day brings than to sit down and one day keep telling myself, that "I should have but I didn't.

My regrets are that of course I never finished learning the piano, :( and that despite being so intent in pursuing journalism, my path has been so vastly directed, but still it's been one helluva re-route, so am not too affected by that. :P, I regret that I have let myself be scarred so badly by KK that I just can't seem to let anyone in the way I did for him, commitment issues? Maybe. Still working on it but all the jerks in the past two years haven't really helped. :P

I'm glad that I've learnt to control my very sharp tongue and horrid temper so my words don't leave a stinging memory with people I love. I've told myself that people can say and do what they want but knowing that I did it right to the best of my ability, I'll leave them be ... they can answer for their individual behaviours and words. Speaking words in anger without a moment's thought is often like broken porcelain, no matter how hard you try to piece it back together, the chips and cracks will always be there. Same goes for this, I guess. You can say sorry, you can it won't happen again but then the cracks are already there. :(

I'm more than glad than in some very ironic way, I'm doing what I wanted to. Traveling. Writing. Well, it's quite the way I planned it ... but well ... it's close enough ... given the circumstances.

There's a whole list more but then I'll probably be able to write a thesis, so I'll end here, go to sleep knowing that tomorrow is another day, I need to live to the fullest!

Expect the unexpected?

2006-02-08T19:58:00.000+08:00

Sigh ... strangely enough it's been a long time since my last post but then lots has been happening to keep distracted. AS alone has had plenty to deal with in the past few weeks. Business has been extremely slow and it has been difficult to make ends meet. Plus, the urgency or rather the extreme necessity to move out of current work area, has been increased and this has put us once again in a challenging position.

We did approach a local bank for a loan to speed up the moving out process, their reply, ironically enough was that they only give out loans to businesses who have run for two years. As discouraging as it sounded at that moment in time, it does make a load of sense. Any business to survive all the shit and challenges of the first two years is probably going to make it for a long time more to come.

I keep telling myself that just maybe its the holiday season that everyone still seems to be in. Clients are taking a long time to confirm hence the delayed cash flow so, just maybe, maybe, we'll see ourselves through this really tough spot. Because even as AS hit her low this January and February and we had to resort to outside financial assistance, I always remember the month we started. With the licensing and initial upfront payment to suppliers, sometimes we were only left with a measly one, maybe two ringgit in our wallets thinking how we were going to make it the next day with petrol and meals. Sigh ... I remember that's the time we actually started storing drinking water in the car, instead of buying it outside everytime we got thirsty. Every sen mattered.

These days when we say we're broke, it usually means we have a little more than that. :P For the first five months, I think that's progress enough. We've had our share of so called female necessities, nails, hair, shopping plus, all our bills our covered. So, yes our truly humble beginnings have made us appreciate the good times.

On the brighter side of things, there always is a brighter side (I've learnt to tell myself that much :P) our S5 account is booming. They're even giving us our own namecards under their name. No big deal but still to have the S5 name next to ours, that's going to carry a lot of weight. Maybe it will be one of the steps forward to finally show people that we are good enough to pull AS through.

Even more unexpectedly, a local publisher has approached me for one of my stories which I wrote donkey's years ago, think I was 14. I had it re-edited into a shooting script for LIMP although how they got their hands on it, it beats me. But hey, when opportunity knocks, I don't think it's too good an idea to stand at the peephole asking too many questions. So, I agreed.

The deadline is a bit rushed, end of February they said. And the story they are asking for, well, it's a little sentimental and loads of changes still need to be made. So, am also working on two other stories to give them as options. Who knows? Although they picked me for that particular story, there's no harm in showing them I can do different.

I remember earlier this year when I was approached to become a freelance travel writer, I felt absolutely crushed when I couldn't put my name to it because of the phrase "extensive travel included, local and regional". I felt so near yet so far. But still I think it's far worse to put your name to something that you'd never be able to give. So, until VIM tells me, "you can get on a plane and go anywhere you want", think I'm better off sticking to stories that will just involve hand delivering my material to the publisher. :P

MS and GC are excited about the offer too. But then who wouldn't be right? In a way, it's the Idol version for writers. It's one thing to open the newspaper and see your name next to an article but a way bigger thing to walk into a bookstore and go like, "hey, that's my story."

I'm trying not to get too excited. It will take loads of time I know by the time the first draft is in and changes are made before I actually see it on a shelf but still, I got called!!! Someone saw my writing and said they liked it enough to publish it for more people to see.

Haven't had a chance to tell LIMP yet but I know he'll be happy. He always liked that story. He's off on one of his indie production shoots, how it will end I don't know but it's got an interesting story line, that I have to give him. It was good speaking to him the other day in an unexpected way, it was his birthday, wished him, exchanged a little gossip about the who's who and the what's what.

In so many ways, JIMI reminds me so much of LIMP. Even to the extent that they have the similar relationships with their wives and that their wives look even more similar! Strange, two of the best people I have worked with, and they have loads in common. Oh ... and the fact that their birthdays are just two days apart. Or wait ... maybe it's like GC says, HOW DO I get mixed up with these people? But still, they are the cream of the crop as individuals, so no comments.

On the 16th which is like eight days away, I'm due for another hearing for my one pound of flesh. I truly have no expectations for that day. I'm just going to sit back and in true fashion of this blog's title, expect the unexpected!

It's strange how the unexpected has you reeling from one end to the other ... but then, that is the excitement isn't it? It's just like last Wednesday night when MS and I headed for what I would call a night of illusion. We had fun, she got drunk. Something we both haven't had in a while. I call it a moment of illusion because those are the times you know that for at least two hours, you'll be laughing, your thoughts will be filled of what to say to the people around you, you'll be invigorated enough to believe that yes life is great, but then the two hours end, and you're back in reality.

Where emotions and thoughts will always outweigh the words you have for people and where for many moments when problems hit, you'll be thinking, life isn't so great.

Anyways, back to the unexpected, the night ended rather late or the morning started very early. I was on one my insomnia spells, PEARL was in one of her moods. And truly, out of the blue, I got the strangest phone call. NK called to DECLARE how he felt. At first I thought it was a joke and burst into laughter but then he was serious and I thought "poor guy". But I cannot rush into something at this point of my life. I know that much. Health and work wise things are way too complicated for me to be thinking about how someone else in my life feels about how I feel. Let alone the fact that other knowing each other and catching up on some chit chat, we have NOTHING in common. Zero. We have enough to talk as friends but in a relationship, it will be the kind where angels would have to pass many times, because there'll be that much of silence.

But then I thought, Jack had paid a good three visits (bottles) to our table that night. Maybe two and a half, but still it was big Jack and I think it was a visit too many. I concluded that it wasn't NK talking and it was Jack speaking on his behalf, so as gracefully as I could, I ended the conversation.

He hasn't called me since and me, well, I haven't called him either. How you break an awkward moment like that I don't know. GC said it would be a good idea just to call and ask if he was aware about what he did. And if he is, then what?

In a way, I guess the unexpectedness of that night, the fun, the call, the whole outing itself, I'll remember it for a long time to come. So, yes, in a way, I think it's a good thing that we are sometimes eluded. It keeps us from becoming the serious pricks we eventually do become and it always, no matter how elusive the moment, keeps a smile on our face as we think, "but I remember this one time ..."

Is normal too much to ask?

2006-01-25T19:21:00.000+08:00

It's six days to the end of January and I catch myself thinking that July is only five months away. VM promised that July would be the cut off date to decide if all variables (weight, medication) are stable that surgery should be out of the question. The question still remains, WHAT IF? True, with the dosage and meds, my LPs have been less frequent. WHAT IF this changes? With the need of a tap anytime from now to July, surgery remains a strong chance. I just can't stand the thought of losing my hair and the scar running through the side of my body. Head to stomach.

I keep telling myself that I CAN and I WILL beat it but will this ever come true? I guess what made these thoughts even stronger was listening to Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying". I'm thankful that I've been able to appreciate so many things and do so many things I never would have dreamed of, but honestly is normal too much to ask for?

A week of no meds, no vomiting ... a month of no neuro appointments and a year of just looking forward to things a 26 year old would look forward to ... Getting on a plane without having the approval of a neuro ... to be able to work out at the gym regularly and not avoid it because you know your body just can't do it ... to someday know that you'll fall in love and be a mother to a child that came from you ...

Wishful thinking I guess, we're all given what we need they say, not what we want. I'll live, with what I've been given. Don't have a choice anyways. But still it would be good to know, how do I need this?

My lessons learnt in 2005 ...

2006-01-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

Amazingly enough, the year ended quite well, a few bombshells here and there but overall with everything that took place through the year, I do think that it is was definitely the calm after the storm.

Without a doubt the people I met, the experiences I so memorably went through all got me thinking and hence my list of things I learnt in 2005.

First and foremost, people will always be people. Emotions will get clouded. Tempers will fly. And always there's no turning back. But anticipation of human unpredicatibility is as good as predicting the weather. PEARL and MS Dad have been obvious examples of this. They want the certainty of AS, where she is right now and where she will be. Answers I cannot give them. True, we have a plan for AS and that we have an idea of where we want to go. But how soon or how definite these plans are as good as telling someone I know for certain there'll be rain tomoro.

Opportunities will knock. Some will succeed and some will not. But seriously, where do these people get off, "Tell me what's going to happen to AS? What is AS' financial condition? What if she doesn't improve? I don't see results ... What if ... What if?" If I knew the answers, I wouldn't have co-founded AS. I'd have made a living as palmist.

So, I didn't take the usual path of taking orders from an employer and decided on my own business .. so what?! If two uni students in US had paid attention to all the what ifs and everything people told them about starting out on their own, I'll seriously hate to live in a world without google.

Concern ... maybe. Well, that's what MS Dad claims anyways. But its to the extent they have become pushy. "How much is your take home? How much is this? How much is that?" If their planning on making donations towards the well-being of AS or managing AS towards her success within the next month, I'd say go right ahead. If not, just back off.

Not everyone around us make choices we are agreeable to. Respect it. They are driving their own streetcars of desire. If they can't see where their going and crash out. Tough. We are each responsible for our own actions. No one answers for us. We are all answerable for each and everything that we do, as individuals. Things often look different from the passenger's seat. That doesn't make the passenger a better driver. If you don't like the drive, then get off. It's simple.

More than your income, to succeed you need to earn two things - trust and respect. Mind you, that either can be damaged in a split second. But ask yourself this. If someone, a so called friend, hears something about you, listens to it, believes it and without clarifying it, walks away denying you of an explanation. It's even more simple. Deal with the fact that the person was never a friend to start off with. You made a bad judgement on personal character. Walk away. It doesn't matter what the person continues to think of you. Somehow, the truth always prevails.

Don't sell yourself short. There'll always be people who are better than oneself. Accept it. We're each built with our pros and cons. That's why ten people with different characters in the same room, means there'll be a balance. People will say you're weak. People will say you're incapable. Honestly, I've heard the lines. These days, I just tell myself - I know where I'm going and feel sorry for the person who can't see the same. :P

Where matters of the heart are concerned ... as sweet as the phrase "You complete me" sounded in Jerry Macguire, I've stopped letting the dramatization of life get to me. Nothing is the way it seems unless you choose to see it that way. If you think your life is complete, then so be it. I've given up on the opposite sex. Where relationships are concerned anyways. True, you'll always stumble across this old couple who despite being married for 50 years, still hold each others hands, but I think I've just gotten used to the fact that great things like love, happen to some people, not all.

While some experience a lifetime of love, some will only see heartache and the fear of loneliness that will eventually set in anyways but its the balance, I guess at the end of the day. I remember two years ago, I was spending the night with PK and he had gone out to see to something. When he came back I was already asleep. He put his arm round me, kissed me on my forehead and said goodnight.

Lately, my thoughts have recurringly gone back to that moment. I remember feeling safe, secure and loved all in that one moment. True, the relationship didn't last, with the screaming, banging doors and episodes of silence. Whatever little it stood for anyways. But I think that expression will always be one of the most meaningful ones that I've experienced. Until now, no one has come close to making me feel that way. But it's something I'll learn to live with or rather without I guess. :P

As I approach the first month of 2006, the hearing for my one pound of flesh is due on Monday, 23 January. Can't wait till its over. Till then as I dream of more of my wishes for 2006, I can't help but wish that overall this will be a great year, for AS and everyone around me.

Christmas Miracles?

2005-12-23T21:59:00.000+08:00

With Christmas just like two days away, someone recently asked me that if I could have one Christmas miracle, what would I wish for? Sure, world peace did cross my mind but then I thought wait, I'm not competing for Ms. World so gave it some more thought and that's when it occurred to me that reality really opens your eyes.

I remember as a child, a barbie doll or a really nice dress would have been a Christmas miracle enough but where I am in life now, I would really need a miracle. I wish for one year free of medication, taps and headaches. Will I ever get that miracle ... i'm losing hope, that I know. MG always says that one should never lose hope cos when you lose hope, you've lost everything. Not too far from that I guess.

Going back a little, I remember when AS got the S5 account, I was so confident that I would be able to top this dreaded parasite eating at me. That maybe it was a sign I was getting better after all. Today, I'm not so sure anymore. The headaches have become so persistent that sometimes sending a simple sms needs so much concentration. My left eye is also getting affected. I do know the one thing that would make these two things go away. But then its no cure. Its just more pain and needles.

Today, its one of those days when I wish I actually had the real thing instead of the pseudo version. At least with the real thing you see death heading towards you much faster than suffering this way. The ends justifies the means I guess.

Ironically, more and more is being done towards research and studying the matter with more experts rising in the international field but how long before a cure actuallu suffices? The latest in the US is that some parties are testing out chemo as long time management for the PSEUDO condition... true its better than lps but the sicky feeling doesnt get any better, does it?

Still, all my grouses aside...there's plenty to be thankful for. RM is growing wonderfully. He's got many tricks up his little sleeve and his beautiful smile seems to be able to fix so much without him even realising it. Being with him, in so many ways, makes me feel almost complete. Its ok that I can't have my own, he'll still have every bit of my love all the same.

Cash flow wise things are also picking up, I guess. A little shaky with bills and loan payments but then its a humbling amount. Gives us enough to get by. January and February look a little shaky but I do think we'll be able to wing it with a little rough edges but we'll make it.

I've learnt something these past few days, no matter how much the amount or how big the material, some people will never be satisfied. There will always be bigger and better things that have caught their attention. I want to keep screaming at them that this shouldn't be the way but then I think ... wait ... we're all guilty of it at some point or another, I know I tend to appreciate people and things more because of my PTC and chances are that if I didn't have it, I'd be just like them too.

Appreciation for people and things in life is something I know that people only feel when they have lost it. Experience is always the best teacher I guess. I guess sometimes its still the best thing to say it once, twice ... but then you stop, walk away if you must cos they will only learn the best way there is. Themselves. One day, they'll talk about it and try to tell someone else of their experiences hoping for that person to learn ... and sigh ... the vicious cycle continues ...

GG is doing much worse than ever. As rude as it may seem, seeing her through Christmas is joy enough I guess. Everyone seems prepared for it well except SS. In the little fairy world that she has built for herself, she seems to think that things will get better and everyone will live happily ever after. She screams and shouts at GG. How it helps either of them ... I'm still figuring that out.

MG says he's coming down in a bit. Cant wait to see him really. Its been a long time but then suddenly I keep thinking of the Christmas Carol by Dickens and I cant help thinking maybe Christmas is meant to bring out the worst people first because only then we'll appreciate the good things that eventually come out of the Christmas miracles we devote our wishful thinking to.

A door closes but a window opens ...

2005-12-03T20:42:00.000+08:00

Well, the decision is in. They terminated me. “Dismissed” actually, those were their words. While I do think that it is only normal to some form of seeping sadness that things had to end the way they did, the sense of relief is orgasmic!

Right now, I’m on the bus heading towards PG, in other words, also towards AS’ five star account. There is this longing curiosity and sense of excitement to know how things might actually kick of, but after everything I’ve been through in the past few months, this is a good excitement that I feel.

It is a little sad though that some people have not really taken to the idea of AS. While most or rather the least expected ones have warmed to it extremely well, some are just so negative. Maybe, if I look at it from their point of view – it’s not negativity, maybe it’s just caution. But it really hits a raw nerve when you hear an inkling of “I don’t think it’s going to work” from someone you expected to stand by you.

I guess that’s why in so many ways, MS’s mum is so different. From the day she even suspected it, she stood by us through thick and thin. Helping us out especially when we had cash flow issues to handle. The best part is the trust and faith that she has in us. No matter the sum, never once has she ever asked for it in return. She knows we’ll succeed in giving it back. It’s rare to have faith like that.

AS is in a slightly worrying position at the moment, bills have been paid but the “slowness” of work coming in … I’m getting a little jittery. It was GREAT to call people today and tell them proudly about AS but as the “what ifs” start sinking in, I’m starting to worry a little.

Although, come to think of it, ever since we started, humility has been taught to us rather well. Always at the very nick of the moment when we feel that it is a pouring thunderstorm, there’s always a rainbow. True, our doorways don’t look so wide at the moment but I do think our windows are slowly opening up.

I collected my office stuff yesterday although deep down it broke my heart that someone actually had the nerve to steal my little tape recorder. Although I kept telling myself that the money was nothing, I remember the time I got it. It was a day when I thought that it was the biggest day of my life. My first outside interview for a college assignment and it was the then Hitzfm Morning Crew. RBK bought it for me. And now someone has actually stolen it. I did make a really big hu-ha but I know like so many other things, that will just fall on deaf ears.

Still, collecting the stuff… there was closure. AR or Darth Vader came with me. So, that did make things a little better too. Not so much bullying. SV was there, the perfect and cute gentleman that he always is, although is still amazes me how a person can go around switching names.

Feeling a little tired now. Plus, its super duperly cold in the bus, so I’m going to get a little shut eye. Dream about Christmas maybe, its always my favourite time of the year. Don’t know how I’m going to handle present buying yet, but maybe it is true, all we need is a little faith, in ourselves first.

Maiden Voyage ...

2005-11-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been weeks since I last posted. But there's been a lot happening I guess. AS took her maiden voyage to PG and did very well indeed. Secured a truly five star account. So, I guess she is taking many steps forward at the moment.

The idiots at SG, THREE INCHES included have yet to give me a decision. Can you believe that? One month ... and they still have nothing to say. It goes to prove how guilty I am anyways. Finally worked up the nerve to tell UR about it, he took it rather well and can't wait for my one pound of flesh too.

Would you believe it? But AS is also getting her first assistant tomorrow. Not anyone we predicted right away but still it will be a great help for MS especially.

My recent appointment with VIM went rather well, he even asked for a profile of AS. Cool, huh? But my tiredness is coming back rather frequently and that's scaring me a little, to be honest.

Suddenly, it seems to have hit me that other than AS there hasn't been much happening. Which is a good thing for sure. Well, i guess I'll make this a short and boring one. Feeling little tired and cash flow concerns are extremely pressing.

Cars, Bikes, Trucks and People on Malaysian Roads ...

2005-11-09T20:22:00.000+08:00

It’s been very amusing to see that so many of us have so many things to say when it comes to Malaysian roads and their users. Having only driven for a little more than two years, this is my two sen worth, solely my personal opinions which are open to more thoughts. Instead of the many surveys and researches that we so diligently spend our taxpayers money on, I do think it is time to sit back and look at things the simple way – practically. Accidents and road rage happen solely because of a person’s mentality.

Take for example, the simple method of indicating. One flick of a switch and the driver behind you knows where you’re planning to go. But no … indicators have apparently become a complex instrument which is too difficult to apply when driving or road users have become increasingly telepathic. What I have noticed? The bigger the car, the less you see of its indicator. And this is the clincher, when you do indicate, the driver in the next lane moves at the speed of lightning to ensure you don’t end up in front of him. Even better, it’s apparently inconvenient to use indicators but perfectly fine to use mobile phones without a hands free kit.

Then comes the ever-famous “four-car pile up … five-car pile up”. Drivers seem to have this notion that the closer they are to your rear-end of the car, the faster they will arrive at their destination. I’m still figuring this one out, you see. If roads are horribly jammed up as we often know it to be, how much sooner can you reach your destination by kissing someone else’s rear-end?

This brings me to my thoughts on our road conditions itself. You start your journey on a 4 lane highway, which at some point becomes a congested two lane road and you’ll see vehicles squeezing themselves in every corner possible. At this point, who can forget our friends on their bikes who will scrap and dent your car at every opportunity to get to their destination first?

Very often I’ve heard ads asking car drivers to be careful of motorcyclists. Agreed, car drivers have to be more careful. But I do not think that motorcyclists are to be left blameless. They do not stick to one lane. Instead of two passengers you’ll see a small child squeezed between two adults with no helmet. Also, they too apparently have very complex equipment to put their indicators on. They choose to wear black and then drive in the night with no lights whatsoever on their vehicle. Then in housing areas because “shops are around the corner” you’ll see young teenagers joyriding without helmets.

And here’s the best scenario I’ve seen on the LDP, it’s a two lane highway, you have two motorcyclists each one in one lane, right in the middle of it too. Which brings me to ask, shouldn’t there be a designated lane, solely for safety purposes, for motorcyclists? Then there are also some scenarios that despite knowing a car or other vehicles are behind, two motorcyclists will choose to travel side by side chit chatting away, with one of the driver’s legs on the other driver’s bike. To be honest I haven’t tried this method of talking to someone but it does seem quite interesting since most motorcyclists enjoy screaming at each other from bike to bike despite the din of the traffic.

When the night dawns, you’ll see a whole new set of motorcyclists, they arrive in throngs of at least 15 to 20 of them and get an enormous kick out of racing on highways that still have other vehicles on them. Regardless, of car or lorry they will squeeze, swirl and spin to emerge winner of their already pronounced illegal racing. Should an accident happen, it most often becomes the car driver’s fault. The media will show parents crying on how their teenage son is now without a leg or arm. I only have one question every time I am faced with a scenario like this. Where were the parents when their son was practicing to be the next super bike racer of the world?

My final say on motorcyclists, having a small vehicle does not give you any right to travel in the opposite direction of traffic. While it is sometimes more convenient, it is selfish and unsafe. You are putting yourself and other drivers in a compromising situation that we can all do without.

Then comes the classic downpour when you’ll be battling with the rain falling on your windscreen, your car wipers and demister to find that the vehicle in front of you suddenly has his hazard lights on. Is he stationery you think? Or is he turning to left? No, wait he’s turning to the right? But no the answer is none of the above. It seems to be a very “in” thing for most drivers to drive with their hazard lights on. I’ve always thought there is a reason why these lights are actually called “hazard” which is supposed to be used only in emergencies. Let’s also not forget our motorbike friends who choose to shelter from the heavy downpour in a dim lit tunnel with no lights on their vehicles. As they do have small vehicles, it is understood that they need shelter but what about petrol kiosks or restaurants or even highway stops?

Back on the issue of hazard lights, tell me that this is a scenario you have not seen and I’ll tell you that you haven’t driven long enough. It’s rush hour traffic, first, you hear the sirens of an ambulance with its hazard lights on because obviously there is an emergency, then you’ll see most drivers look out their windscreens wondering if it’s actually worth giving way. In the scenarios that the ambulance has way to continue, you’ll suddenly see at least two cars dart from the jammed line, put their hazard lights on and follow the ambulance from behind.

With all these complaints, you must be wondering why not just opt for public transport? Sigh. I have to stop to take a deep breath. While we have been very blessed with technology to have the Putra LRT, Star LRT, KTM Komuter and Monorail it is never the journey on the train that annoys me. Once again it’s people’s mentality. Should you need to make an enquiry about a particular station or stop, you’ll find that the information counter is closed at 10.00pm when the train operates till 11.00pm or so. So, you’re just left standing either to ask a security guard or another passenger that you hope is going in the same direction as you are.

Then, you come down to get on a feeder bus. You see loads of passengers waiting. You see loads of drivers too. But apparently despite a schedule that says there’ll be a bus every 15 minutes, they need more time to smoke, joke and seek amusement with each other at the expense of some very tired passengers. Then, you get on the bus. Does it move? Nope. The driver smokes again. And you wait. Then, when he suddenly feels that he is ready which is by now way past the 15 minutes, the bus moves but he continues to smoke even with the air-conditioner on.

Alternatively, you can park your vehicle at some of the LRT stations. But wait, it’s 11.00 pm the auto exit gate is not working and there is no attendant. What do you do? Go back to the LRT station to inform them of the incident where’ll you’ll get a very sweet reply of “Yang itu, tak taula encik, bukan department saya”. Frustrated yet?

Take a taxi then. Most taxi operators have opted for the “dial a cab” service which is apparently supposed to be more convenient for its passengers. But wait. You call. No one picks up. You call again. They say wait. So, you wait. Then you call again and they say, “No taxi for you.” So, don’t use the dial a cab service. Wait for a taxi at a taxi stand, the taxi comes. But you see no one lines up at the taxi stand which means you’ll have at least 10 people rushing towards the same taxi. Now, the taxi driver feels like a diva with all this attention towards him and chooses where he wants to go, telling you, “Tak ada meter ah”. Conclusion, a journey that would have cost you RM3.00 will cost you approximately RM5.00 to RM7.00. To put icing on the cake, some taxi drivers opt to pick up passengers along the way so he gets to make more money.

Hence, you’re left with these options. You may choose to travel on our public transport system that with its ‘efficiencies’ will make a ten minute journey into a two hour hell ride or cost you twice as much or travel on our roads with some of our drivers that have no concern for indicators, rules or speed limits as long as they are the first to arrive at their respective destinations. I would say that the whole reason our highways sometimes look like car parks is solely because very little is done about maintaining our public transport system which given stronger enforcement will see less users on the roads.

A person’s mentality is of course still the most important tool. Would it break your hand to give a “thank you” wave to a driver that has stopped to let you pass? Would your throat dry up if for one night you drink alcoholic beverages and then let someone else drive you home? Notice, how quite often it is never the drunk driver that is hurt in a crash but some innocent person whose family is waiting for. “Red means stop” - a phrase that seems to have been drilled into most people since the age of five, although sadly, some of the people who have heard this phrase before do not drive on our roads. We have been fortunate to be blessed with technology and the means of transportation. How we utilize and enforce the combination of the two is solely our prerogative.

My one pound of flesh ...

2005-11-09T20:19:00.000+08:00

Well, Tuesday is over and done with. THREE INCHES was there. Can’t believe that she still does not understand my work, it never ceases to amaze how cronyism and nepotism play such a big role in destroying other peoples’ lives. Solely because of her connections, I was not given the chance to explain or the respect to be asked about what I did. For the one and a half years I gave them … it disgusts me to think of the way she chooses to treat me. WR called it a witch hunt and honestly, I just couldn’t agree more.

What annoyed me that a simple question on the issue in the first place would have resolved so many issues, even a simple warning letter … I could have handled it. But this?! After all the bloody shit that I have done for them. Picking up laundry, washing glasses, cleaning up other people’s messes, PIKACHU and his continuous screw ups … slaving 7 days a week, 12 to 16 hours a day … and this … this is what I get.

I can’t wait for the termination letter, solely cos’ I really want to go ahead with WR’s advice. In the Merchant of Venice, Portia tells Shylock that he can only have his one pound of flesh, in return for his debt, as long as he draws no blood. Very sensible. But you see, my blood HAS been drawn. Four times, I asked them to let me walk away and they said no. And then you repay me with this … they won an award for which I have not seen a single sen and I’ve been suspended to be terminated. Where is justice? But like I said, my blood has been drawn from the more than one pound of flesh I gave them … NOW, I want my one pound of flesh back. I will do exactly as WR has advised and even more.

How can THREE INCHES not even be aware that the stupid file was inaccurate?As a DIRECTOR, how could you not know? And how can you call something that is not accurate a MASTER version? Seriously, some people defy all the very simple rules of common sense.

I will feel so much relieve when I finally receive that termination letter. My books and things … my life can go on. Not that it hasn’t in the past two weeks but still that uncertainty is a little unnerving.
Sigh. I guess it’s bed now but before that, I know this. I have no ill-will for them. I’m angry, a little and I do want justice but I also know that inside I can’t hold it against any one person (but wait I need more time to deal with THREE INCHES) cos’ at the end of the day, I’m answerable to only one person. We all are.

Really can't wait for Tuesday to be over ...

2005-11-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

Didn't think I'd be back so soon ... but well, just had some time on my hands I guess. MS and her mum are out. Home alone with more thoughts in my head. Can't wait for Tuesday to be over that much I know. MS seems bothered about it too so yes, I guess its more than just me who can't wait for it to be over.

The headaches have come back. I just keep reminding myself about what VM said, if vision is not disturbed then we'll try as much as possible to keep away from surgery. And I really hope that its just the stress of Tuesday that's bringing on the headache. Can't bear to go through with surgery.

Well, I know it's a solution of sorts but to be cut open from brain to spine and then face the chances of having more complications ... No ... that's too far away for me to deal with at the moment. Maybe with more rest, it will go away for now. Gotten lazy with my meds too. Late nights and late mornings... I just want the headaches gone.

RM is doing wonderfully. Mum was saying that he is now able to identify names. Not bad for a five month old. Can't wait to hold him again. I know I haven't really spent as much time as I wanted to with him but with Tuesday over and done with, I'm looking forward to spending more time with him.

That's all for now. Got to back to preparing the material for Tuesday.

A Cinderella Story ...

2005-11-03T02:26:00.000+08:00

Ironically, I just watched A Cinderella Story which starred Hillary Duff ... funny how she suddenly seems to be having so much effect on my life ... but yes ... right now I do very much feel like Cinderella ... this week alone ....

I got suspended from my full time job where I know I have always given my 110% ... I feel so cheated and so betrayed by what has happened ... All those late nights and long weekends when I thought that someone would see me for who I am and for the commitment I gave but in just one incident ... everything I have ever done seems so erased ...

Imagine that I had to pick up my inquiry letter on my birthday ... When I first told mum about the suspension ... her only reaction was that she cried .... and when I said don't be upset and that I'm sorry ... she said that she was not upset with me .... but she was upset for me ...

Through the entire week ... her words have been ringing in my head and somehow I can't help but thinking that she is right ... so much has happened ... first the dreaded brain condition, then the dealing process and now this ... will I ever be normal?

I can never forget that losing my father and growing up without him will always be the biggest treachery of my life. Yes, I have done some stupid things all by myself ... the imaginative stories that I covered myself with when growing up ... but all I ever want is to be loved ... and I wonder have I become such an unforgivable soul that god keeps punishing me .... over and over again ...

True ... that things always happen for a reason ... but how much more of this can I take? My first reaction to a challenge is always to fight it ... see it through with the belief that it will make me a stronger person ... but how much more fighting do I have to go through?

When will things ever be right?

I do know that the brain condition was of course the biggest turning point in my life ... who would have ever guessed that I would one day be diagnosed with such a rare condition and that KK of who I spend 4 years of giving my unconditional love would give up on me ...

What is so wrong with me that I have become so difficult to accept? I know deep down mother too is frustrated. And that ACH must be really disappointed in me. Everytime I get around to telling her that things have settled down ... that is usually the exact moment when I am thrown in the midst of the storm ...

They are having the inquiry on Tuesday, 8 November. And while I am even in the midst of preparing my notes for it .. I can't help but keep thinking of how tired I have become of being a constant failure. It seems that everything I touch including myself always ends up in ruins.

Cinderella ... eventually found her prince. Will I ever find mine? I highly doubt it now. Everyone I've been with in the past two years has been lesson enough to know that princes don't exist. They do come in their shining armour and white horses but they all end up to be an illusion. Reality is ... that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do ... I will never be good enough. Should I just stop trying then? Always give your best. I seem to have given everything my best shot and I know that I don't have anything inside me to give anymore. SLIMBEE was my turning point for this where relationships were concerned ... the suspension was my turning point where being a person was concerned.

Why bother giving my best when I already know that it will always end up in ruins. Always.

MS and I went to watch Corpse bride today and a little boy sat next to me with his father. Even that got me thinking and I realised ... I will never be given the wonderful gift of having someone to love and to be with and neither will I have that completion of knowing I will one day be looked on as a mother. I seem to have failed in every role that I am supposed to play. Reality bites they say ... and in this week alone ... I realised how hard that bite can actually be.

Which always make me wonder ... if I have become so worthless, why am I still being kept here? Why can't he just take me away once and for all? I will be so much happier with father than being here and constantly reminded of how stupid and worthless I am. God always has a plan and I have akways believed in it. Except for right now.

I don't see that plan anymore. I don't see happiness and I don't see love. So what kind of plan is it supposed to be? I have seen the worst side of everything and I just don't want to be part of this plan anymore. I am tired and I am done fighting a losing battle.

Very simply put, the past three birthdays alone have been utter disasters ... while most people are given Happy Birthdays with loads of happiness, people they love and gifts they wish for ... I have been given a brain condition in 2003, a screwed up event in 2004 where I was told of by the VP and an inquiry letter for my suspension in 2005.

I'm just done giving my best. How much more do I need to take before he realises that I've just had enough and that I'm just so very tired of going on ....

Wake Up!

2005-10-31T12:34:00.000+08:00

It’s pretty early in the morning or rather late at night, however you want to look at it … and very ironically they just played Hilary Duff’s video of “Wake Up” …. Two words that mean so much to me this week alone, well maybe for the past two years in fact … it has been so uphill since September 2003 that I am so near to just giving up.

The scars of everything that has happened seem so fresh, with the wounds so open. First, the headaches in mid-September that by Tuesday, 4 November 2003, my life had changed so rapidly … I will always remember that period of time as the most challenging.

I remember falling in love at 19, scoring A’s and B’s in college … I remember having someone to hold, hug and love me … I remember support that I received for what I wanted to do, the jobs that I wanted to pursue, the fall outs of these jobs …. And then I remember waking up and realizing that it was all just a passing dream.

The headaches came very closely with the weight gain before I was finally diagnosed with PTC – “a rare brain condition that only occurs in 2 out of 100,000 women” – lucky me I guess. He drifted away with the excuse that he could not handle the outcome. I still have problems dealing with how he dealt with the situation. True, MG was around and was as strong as a pillar but at the time MG was more of a stranger than KK was to me. From chauffeuring to baby sitting he stood by me. Plus, truth be told he WAS the clock striking twelve. He gave me the wake up call I needed. MS returned when the juicy parts were over but it was a shock for her too … She’s always asked me how I could have ever tolerated KK and it has got me thinking so much but I’ve realized that Rod Stewart has worded it perfectly, “the first cut is the deepest.:

In terms of “men”, there were many after that but not one who could genuinely deal with what I have. The ideal example Is of course SLIMBEE who claimed to be “a man and not a guy” Dick and I just concluded that he (SLIMBEE) will always have a life to talk about while each of us have a life to lead. Sad … though that my statistics show -1 in 10 ….Amazing but so true …

Before the clock strikes twelve ...

2005-10-28T15:47:00.000+08:00

As a child who grew up on reading and watching fairy tales, the one that got to me the most was of course Cinderella. I'm always captivated by stories of how something simple is one day turned into something magnificent. And so that is how I grew up wanting my own life to be. Magnificent. Definition of magnificent? I wanted to be beautiful in the eyes of everyone. That was before I learnt that no matter how hard you try, you'll never please everyone. I also learnt that sometimes, no matter what you do, there will come a time when the relationship will strain and like Cinderella whose facade faded at midnight, so will relationships with people.

Hence, the clock will ALWAYS strike twelve.