Someone who accepts us as we are ...

Well, it's been sometime I guess since I posted. A lot has happened ... as always.

AS has picked up ... slowly and hopefully surely. S5 is getting a little too over bearing at some points but hopefully it's just a phase.

On a personal note, health first ... my white blood count is still rising. And they dun have a clue as to what is causing it. At first, my kidneys were the immediate suspects :) when they found blood trace in my urine ... and kidney malfunction is a side effect of diamox ... so I had some very pretty pictures taken of my kidneys and my bladder!

I even had an ultrasound of my kidneys, liver, uterus ... :) not many people I know can say that :P

The headaches come and go which I think is mostly due to the heat ... so i'm letting it slide, drinking loads of water and trying very hard to follow the alarms on my mobile for my medication.

However, despite it all I let my heart ache again. :(

I defied the rules of my little black box and took a peep outside. I believed the words of this man who as of today has topsy turvied my emotions. So, no more ... I told myself. I've tried all the remedies and I've heard all the lines.

This is the last straw where I will listen to anything nice a human structure with two balls ever has to say. I refuse to believe that even one of them has a shred of honesty in them and as much as I wish things could be different, I am now definite of thing. I am who I am. I can't change. Fate handed me a cruel blow three years ago. I've accepted it. I've dealt with it. I no longer have the patience or energy to make someone else understand, to accept and deal with what I have and who I am.

Someone told me that after the worst of storms, there is usually the brightest of rainbows. I want to believe that ... I really do. It rained 40 days and 40 nights before Noah knew it was over ... but after three long years, numerous heartbreaks and uncountable downfall of expectations. This is where I draw the line.

Enough is simply enough.

If they can't accept me for who I am, I'm not even going to bother trying. Someone warned me that this way, even if something good did come my way ... I might lose it ... but what do you do when you've lost all faith? I seriously think it's more self destructive to keep giving people the benefit of the doubt only to find yourself stomped on like an old floor mat.

Someone started a thread on my PseudoTumorCerebri group titled "How do your spouses handle you having PTC?". As always there were some discouraging ones as all the men I have seen and experienced in recent years but what amazed me was that most of those replies actually had positive responses. Normal people who resorted to helping out with children, taking on housework, additional jobs ...

I no longer wish that I would one day be able to post a response like that because I know it will never happen. But still it's nice to know that despite knowing I will not have anyone to love or who loves me in that way, that some people have been truly blessed with husbands who have accepted them in the true manner of "of sickness or in health."

When I was first diagnosed and learning to deal with the adjustments, someone handed me quotes from Richard Bach which helped me get through that phase of time and deal with the issues ... today I stumbled across another of his quotes that I seem to agree with, wholeheartedly ...

"We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical Someone is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks."

I'm fine the way I am. All cried out and desperately in need of a hug ... but I'm not going to waste a single moment more of my life wishing for someone who'll give that hug. HE doesn't exist ... I know that now.