Too Many Goodbyes ...

Yes, it has certainly been a long time since my last post but then nothing short of excitement that has kept me very busy.

JIMI has decided to leave, yet again. I told him that this would be the last time I would help him pack. I can't seem to take much more of this. Yes, the new beginning is good for him, careerwise. Once again, he has subtly asked that I follow him, this time to China but this has left me too confused for the moment.

Although half of me is saying that it is crazy as hell, the other half of me keeps saying I have nothing to lose. I told ACH, but even she freaked ... so ... that's got me thinking for awhile. Am I that desperate to get away from things or am I just trying to prove a point that healthwise ... this is something I can do?

Where AS is concerned, TP has confirmed his investment, so things should finally be picking up and we should be heading for smooth sailing waters very soon.

My commitment to family has been seriously questioned in the past weeks, today even more so by ACH and while I know they each have a point to make ... I think my constant running away has become too apparent. Sigh. It's really funny isn't it.

We run from the obvious to get ourselves tangled in the clueless ...

On another note, somewhere very nearby, ZM has had to say goodbye to her seven year marriage as well. She caught her husband in the midst of an affair with his ex-girlfriend. So, it most definitely looks like a divorce is in the picture.

Lastly, someone has been in my life for the past two months. I finally worked up the nerve to tell ACH about it. But she didn't take it too well. Well, I can't blame her. He comes from somewhere where Brazil lost their football dreams, he is well into his thirties and divorced with a nine year old daughter.

Does he make me happy? Yes.

Does he know about my condition? Yes.

Does he understand my condition? Yes. We spent seven hours together looking it up on google.my AND google.de

What makes it more important, is that we are both at the stage of our lives where we have had enough where relationships are concerned. So, I'm not hoping for anything.

He's gone back for a two week holiday, so maybe it's a closed chapter for now and maybe it's not.

Meanwhile, it's great knowing that someone calls "just to hear your voice", opens doors for you, drives for two hours just to see you for 20 minutes, who in less than two months of knowing you thinks you're ok enough to meet his boss and colleagues (by the way, I went with out with KK for four years and it took him 3 years to introduce his best friend to me), who takes time in explaining his work and listening to yours, who takes even more time in fixing your notebook, who night after night walks you to your car just to make sure you're safe, who sends you a good morning sms, never failing to ask you at the end of the day to ask you how your day was, and the best of all, after telling him everything your condition entails (treatment, medication etc) who says, "So? Everybody has their own problems."

Family, Friends, Love and Other Natural Disasters

Once again, I've had a hectic weekend. New friendships have been made stronger but as I discovered for some people and myself, relationships have drifted and a marriage almost at the end of its road.

Where family is concerned, the extent of which PEARL and I have drifted apart seems to be unfixable. Conversations are short and usually end with "it's your life, do what you want." There seem to be so few smiles and so few hugs, I don't know anymore how to fix the distance.

Everytime I broach the topic that AS is doing better and we may need to travel more, she hints that I have abandoned her. What bothers me is that PTC or not, the end result would have been the same as it is now. This is what I wanted. Be it through journalism or AS, I never saw myself sticking at home, following routine. For something that I've been talking about since I was 13, I honestly don't see how these issues are constantly being raised.

Somewhere within me, I'm tired of telling her how I feel. When I do, she says I blame her. When I don't, she says I'm driving her away. WIll she only be happy when I finally say, "Ok, I'll be the person that you want to me to be."? Why is acceptance so difficult ...

This is the same person who flew thousands of miles at 21, from home to marry the man she loved. I'm 26. I'm only trying to be who I think I can be, she's had her chances of making decisions that have involved distance and moving away from home ... would it be so wrong to give me even a little of it?

Where other people in my life are concerned ...

MS - I think she's dirven me around so much in the past week from hospital to home to giving me a very strong shoulder to cry on ... hehehe ... she's the gem that she always is.

DQ - Well now, what I heard last is that he is starting a new chapter. Dumped for being overly nice, his current bookshelf consists of "Who is holding your strings?" and "Emotional Unavailability" - which he loaned me by the way..

And somewhere else, not quite so nearby, a friend has said that she finally thinks her marriage is over. Considering that I know the husband longer than her and I didn't even know she existed till much later when his pick up lines on me did not work ... this is yet another sticky situation I've gotten myself into ... sigh ...

Wonderful Somethings

It's been an exhausting week but nothing short of some really great moments.

I was back in KL on Sunday, 16 April and spent Monday discovering that as weak as I think I am, I still have some strength in me.

JIMI and I visited a media house only for him to realise that hiring AS for S5 was one of the best things that he could have done. I was given a free hand at taking him around, people were hugging me all around and I thought ... hmmmm ... not bad. Kinda nice the feeling of being recognised for your work.

Then, came the many moments of discovery where my health was concerned. I saw VM on Monday as well only to discover that I needed a lumbar and that surgery might be essential. Well, the lumbar was done on Tuesday and for the first time in 2 years I recorded a reading of 16. Am I finally rid of the wretched PTC? VM's only reaction was to not get carried away ... but still he's given his green light to start taking short flights ... so yes, maybe good news is on its way.

What made the whole experience even more enriching was that on Wednesday morning, after my lumbar I woke up to realise that I had someone beside me. His fingers were curled in mine. He hadn't moved from the night before when we had been talking. I remember feeling like a golliwog when he arrived to see in my hospital room. I was a mess. Having not been able to move for at least 6 hours, my clothes were thrown on ... uncombed hair ... and when I could finally move ... he helped me get dressed ... properly. And we talked. About me. About him. Books. Movies. Chocolates.

Seven years ago this was the person I met on my birthday. This was the same person who taught me how to dance to Lou Bega's Mambo 5. And here he is still in my life. From his poolside to my hospital bedside.

They say that it is never the people who are with you at the up moments that really matter but the ones who are with you at your down times that count, this person I believe is one of those people in my life.

Hugs and Love Required :(

I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. - Elizabeth Kubler-RossThe Wheel of Life (Scribner)

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Jason Jordan

Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell. - Jason Jordan

Clueless

Someone has been occupying my thoughts lately.

A lot of it.

It's no one I've written about before because I really thought that this would be someone who came and went like everyone else.

He made a very unexpected appearance in my life and continues to do so.

Just when I tell myself, enough. He's not there any more. He's moved on. I'll hear something from him.

And yet, his unexpected presence is becoming more and more a very comfortable thought.

How far this will go? Or how long? I don't know.

Go with the flow, someone told me. Someone else said "he's too good to be true" ...

As to what I say ... I'm still very much clueless.

Childhood dreams?

So ... here's the the full details of last weekend.


True, that it was no where close to my previous weekend ... *smile* but that's a weekend with stiff competition. :P


Lately, I've found myself in a "what will be, will be" mood and I feel so much more relaxed! Hence, last weekend I took some much needed family time. GG appreciated it more than anyone I guess. But this also led to meeting some old faces who I must say that in the midst of so much change have still remained the same.


One thing about meeting old friends is that they will somehow have a knack of allowing you to appreciate what you have right in front of you.


Take for example ... AIM ... I haven't seen her in close to three years, I was telling her about AS and right there, she sits and says "Wow! So you got what you wanted!" ... And that got me thinking, well ya, I guess did. Having grown up with her since the approximate age of 5, I felt a long distance had set in but seemed to have been overcome that night.


Somethings were so different and yet so much the same.

A to Z of mE

A- Available? Very much so ... :P


B - Best Friend? MS and MG ... Well, one offers the female perspective and the other the much needed explanation if men are actually from Mars ...


C - Crush? Other than feeling crushed ... none others that I think of ...


D - Dogs name? No pets at the moment ... sad ... well my constant shuttling from here to there wouldn't be fair to them ... but I LOVE dogs!


E - Easiest Person To Talk To? ummm ... this one is tricky ... i CAN talk to everyone (well except SLR) ... but on a personal level ... MG i guess


F - Friday or Saturday? Definitely Saturday morning ... that's when sleeping in is usually easy and my first phone call is not till at least 10.00am


G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Gummy bears definitely ... just saw a super scary show on Discovery about tape worms and slimming products


H - Hometown? Pearl of the Orient ... Beach!


I - If You Could Move Would You? Move from? Considering that I'm always shuttling from here, there and everywhere :P


J - Jesus? Yes.


K - Kids? Very nice to have ... as long as their someone else's :P ... kidding


L- Longest Car Ride? Distance was about 15 mins. But was on my way to have my first brain MRI so it felt more like ... 15 hours ....


M - Milk Flavor? Cold, Dutch Lady Milk ... just plain milk


N - Number Of Siblings? One ... that now comes with a wife and child ... both of whom I adore :P


O - One Wish? Only one? But it would definitely be a cure for PTC ... click on Pseudo Tumor Cerebri ... if you've not heard of this ...

P - Phobia(s) ummm ... losing people I love if there is such a phobia


Q - Favorite Quote? At the moment ... it's coming to understand that GOOD THINGS DON'T COME EASY! ... a friend said this to me the other day ... and oh yes ... it's bloody true.


S - Song You Last Heard? Shakira's Hips Don't Lie ... hahahaha ... and mine certainly don't :P


T - Time You Woke Up? Today? ummm ... around 10.00am I think cos worked till 3.00am last night but in general it always depends on what time I sleep ...

U - Unknown Fact About Me? No matter what I say, I'm very much the child whose aches and pains go away with just one hug ....


V - Vegetable You Love? Broccoli ...

W - Worst Habit? hmmm ... I can be rather annoying sometimes ... but the WORST of them all would be ... day dreaming ...


X -Rays You've Had? Try, hand ... skull and loads of other scans ...


Y - Yummy Foods? Time Out choc definitely


Z - Zodiac Sign? hahahaha ... the ever alluring Scorpio!